Yellow Diamonds: A Pokémon Adventure
by Jynxed1
Summary: Join Xylark and his brand new Pokémon Rianna as they travel around the Seksi region collecting badges, fighting racists, and discovering the truth behind the mysterious Yellow Diamonds. It's mostly a parody on how people write fanfics badly (Mary Sues everwhere) but eventually it evens out to just humor and then unimaginable darkness by the end. PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Pon de Rianna

**It starts...**

"Wake up its time for school!" Mom yelled at me from the other side of the door to my bedroom.

What? School! No! Maybe this had all just been a dream my whole life and now I was going to school instead of getting my very own Pokémon!

"Just kidding, lol!" Mom said laughing now inside my room by my bed. "Time to go to Professor Pine's lab to get your first Pokémon!"

"OMG you bitch!" I thought sassily and got up and started to get ready. I looked in the mirror and started to put moisturizer on my boyish face.

My name is Xylark, which is pronounced like the word skylark but not, I'm 14 years old, have dark brown hair with blonde highlights and a style like the mixture between Justin Bieber and Harry Styles, and eyes that shine gold like one of those chocolate coins with gold wrappers. My skin is tan almost like I'm Spanish but I'm not because I'm white so I look really sexy and my moisturizer has a lot of subtle glitter in it so I always sparkle. Also, I'm gay which means I'm sensitive and more intelligent than most boys. One time I had an IQ test and the doctor said I scored higher than any other person he had ever met and he said he had met some smart people like Einstein.

After I finished my moisturizing treatment I got dressed in my cute skinny black jeans, gray One Direction t-shirt with red letters and a black vest and cute dress shoes because I didn't want to look sloppy. I runway-walked all the way through town but when I got to Professor Pine's lab I was shocked.

"Where are all the Pokémon?" I asked sadly.

"They're all gone because it's late, Xylark!" Professor Pine replied meanly. Like it was my fault it was so late? It's not like I controlled time, jeez. "But I do have one Pokémon left and I think it might be perfect for someone as perfect as you."

The Professor pulled out a Poké Ball from his fake Prada manbag and it opened to reveal a Pokémon I had never seen before. She was all white and shaped kind of like a mixture between a kitty and a chinchilla (whatever they are since there aren't any animals in the Pokémon world) but she had two small pink wings and what appeared to be gold hoop earrings in her ears. She had two huge eyes that opened seductively to reveal eyes that looked like they were filled with glitter. She let out a little meow sound that sounded like she was saying, "Rihanna."

"This is the Pokémon Rianna," Professor Pine said. I could tell from the size of her forehead where the inspiration for her name had come from. "Rianna is a new type of Pokémon we just discovered called the Angel-type. They are very special because they can't be hurt by things like Grass, Water, Fire, Poison, Fighting, Ground, Rock, Steel, Bug, Ice, Normal, Electric and Flying. They can only be hurt by Ghost, Psychic, Dragon, and most of all by Dark, which they are weak to but very strong against. So balanced! It's perfect for your starter!"

"I love her and she's even cuter than the real Rihanna!" I squirted. Right then Rianna jumped into my arms and said she didn't want to be in the Poké Ball so I carried her out of the lab and we decided to start our journey together. We headed down the path and I wondered what kind of adventures we might encounter here in the Seksi Region!


	2. An Earful of Buneary

"You are so cute, Rianna," I said cutely to my new Pokéfriend and started to sing 'We Found Love' as we trollied along. Rianna seemed to love the song and even started to do a little dance. We both started giggling and then we heard a noise!

"What's that?" I asked questioningly. Rianna hid behind my hair. Suddenly a wild Buneary jumped out and attacked!

"GO RIANNA!" I yelled and commanded, "Use Angel Kick!" Rianna jumped up like a bird and extended one leg down and flew like an arrow towards Buneary. BAM! One hit from that and Buneary was on the ground, passed out. "Good job Rianna, let's catch it!" I reached for my Pokéball but suddenly I heard a voice.

"NO! BUNEARY!"

I looked up to see a girl who was dressed really cute and edgy in a pink tee with gold stripes on it, a distressed leather miniskirt and bright teal leggings in cute black ballet flats. Totally 80s retro chick.

"OMG was that your Buneary? I'm sorry, it attacked us!" I said sadly.

"It's ok, she ran away and sometimes she gets nervous and attacks. My name is Tilly," the ethnic-looking girl introduced.

Tilly and I talked for a long time as Rianna and Buneary played tag and hide and seek. She told me about how she was the only black person in the region which was very hard for her after her parents were killed by racists.

"My parents were killed by racists," she said.

"What?" I asked even though I heard her. By asking that I meant it more as a symbol of disbelief but she didn't catch that.

"I said my parents had been killed by racists," she repeated.

"I'm sorry, where have you been living since then?" I aksed.

She was silent and looked like she had a secret but I thought she was just being rude. I came out to her and told her I was the only gay person in the town and that it's hard to be different. I knew she would understand since her situation was almost as difficult as mine. We agreed and became best friends and decided to travel together. After a good night's rest we made our plans.

"Well if we're going to be trainers we should at least get badges," she said smartly.

"I know," I said, but I was scared of getting badges because I didn't want Rianna to get hurt.

"The first badge is in the next town. The leader's name is Bacardi. He's super hot and I think he's bi," she said with a wink.

I blushed, "OK, but let's train a little first. Look, there's a little forest. I'm sure there'll be trainers there!"

"All right! Let's go!" we said together and ran determinedly into the woods with Rianna and Buneary close behind.


	3. Divann Intervention

"OMG This forest is kinda creepy," Tilly squirmed, her long jet black hair with a single green streak flipping and flowing around in the misty breeze, "I hope there aren't any bird Pokémon. I'm afraid of those." Almost like it heard her, a Noctowl swooped down right at her head!

"EEEEEEK!" she screamed. Right then Buneary jumped in front of her and performed a ThunderPunch bigger than I had ever seen. Sparks flew in all directions from Noctowl's bludgeoned body as he lay there paralyzed. "You saved me, Buneary!" Tilly smiled and Buneary chirped back and kissed her.

"You two are so cute!" I said and Rianna got jealous and tried to give me a kiss like Buneary had done to Tilly, but her hoop earring accidentally got caught in my hair and it ripped out some, "Oww, Rianna! Stop being stupid!" Rianna apologized but I could tell something was wrong. We continued on in the forest, seeing many cool Pokémon but I didn't want to catch any of them. Rianna was the only Pokémon I wanted.

"Are you trainers?" a boy with a really ugly hat and tattered clothes ran up to us, screaming, "My name's Divann!" His face was cute like Drake from Drake and Josh but the clothes needed a serious makeover.

"Hi, I'm Tilly and this is Buneary, Xylark, and Rianna," Tilly said sugarly.

"Hi," I blushed. Despite his wack outfit I was smitten with Divann for some reason, but I tried to hide it.

"Wow, a Rianna! I've only ever heard of them in tales! Can I pet her?" he asked as he reached out his hand toward Rianna. She mewed and jumped up and sat on Divann's dirty cap, glaring at me seductively and trying to make me jealous. I knew what she was doing so I played it cool.

"Wow she really likes you!" I ejected.

"Yeah, but it's too bad I'm gonna have to beat you guys now! Let's battle!" Divann said suddenly.

"All right I'm first!" offered Tilly and Buneary took a fighting stance in front of her.

"Go Golett!" Divann shouted. I was shocked! I had never seen a Golett before. It was kinda ugly but kinda cute at the same time just like Divann, and it was pretty manly. "Golett use Mud-slap!" Golett jumped on the ground as mud spewed all in Buneary's eyes!

"Rub it out, Buneary, and fire back with a Fake Out!" Buneary's image double as it ran for Golett, but the attack didn't seem to do anything! "What happened?" Tilly queried.

"Golett is part Ghost, obviously," Divann snarked back. Wow he was so smart. "Golett, finish it off with a DynamicPunch!"

"No!" Tilly screamed as Buneary's head was nearly knocked off. She ran over to her Pokéfriend and hugged her on the ground as she lay there fainted.

"Your turn, Skylark," Divann said.

"It's 'Xylark' and get ready for this! GO RIANNA!" Rianna jumped up and began to battle. Golett threw Ice Punches, DynamicPunches, Earthquakes, and Rock Edges, but nothing hurt Rianna as she used Calm Mind over and over.

"Why isn't anything working!" Divann screamed in frustration.

"She's angel-type," I giggled, "She's only weak to Dark types and only even hurt by Psychic, Ghost, and Dragon."

"Well, in that case, Golett use Faint Attack!" Golett fell to the ground, appearing to be passed out, but then he disappeared suddenly and reappeared behind Rianna, smacking her to the floor!

"No, Rianna!" I cried as tears began to stream down my face. Rianna panted, brusied all over, but stood up definitely. "OK, Rianna, use Heaven Beam!" I shrieked.

The sky burst open and a ray of light smashed down onto Golett's head, crushing him into the earth. He fainted.

"No! How could I lose!" Divann cried.

"Don't be sad," I said comfortingly. "You just need to train more. Hey, how about you come with us?"

"That's a great idea!" Tilly said enthusiastically. For once I agreed with her, I thought, and plus maybe we could do a serious fashion makeover and get him looking hot. "But first, let's go to the Pokécenter and get healed up!"

So we headed to the Pokécenter in Minaj Town, home of the fearsome first gym leader Bacardi. Little did we know what awaited us there.


	4. Rockin' Beach Concert

"There it is! Minaj Town!" screamed Tilly. We all stopped in awe as colorful towers glittering in the sun grew in front of us.

"Wow!" Divann and I said together and we both looked at each other and giggled. I noticed Rianna roll her eyes but I pretended like I didn't.

"Do they have a mall here? I feel like shopping!" I asked.

"Shopping?" Divann queried quizzily, "Aren't we supposed to be training? I hate shopping." OMG I couldn't believe he said that. This time it wasn't Rianna rolling her eyes but it was me! He could be fixed, though, I thought.

"Fine, we'll go shopping after we train. I hear there's a beach on the other side of the town with a small trainer tournament going on. Let's head there," I suggested and Buneary and Golett nodded in agreement. I could tell Rianna wanted to shop like me but we would have to wait.

When we arrived at the beach it was beautiful! So many people were there with Pokémon and it looked like a big concert was going on.

"I wonder who's playing," I asked out loud.

"Look! It's Adam Lambert! I didn't know he was in town today!" Tilly screamed.

"I love him!" I ejected. Divann looked sadly at the ground and kicked it with his feet. He looked dejected. I wondered if he was jealous?

"Why do you like him so much? He's not that great," Divann mumbled.

"Well, he's a good singer plus I like his outfits." I said, staring at Divann's wrinkled Wal-Mart tee.

"Oh…" Divann trailed off.

Once the concert was over Adam asked if there were any trainers in the audience. Of course I raised my hand first and he told me to come up and challenged me to a battle!

"If you win this battle, Bacardi told me that you could challenge him at the Gym," he said sexily with his black eyeliner and fashionable hair. I couldn't believe my luck. Just an hour ago we were in a forest training and here I was now meeting a famous person with the chance to battle for a badge! My luck was finally turning around.

"OK let's do it!" I said a pun, "Go Rianna!" She jumped out like a cat from behind my hair and let out a huge meow to Adam.

"Go Staravia!" he said, and Staravia came out of his Pokéball, except his hair was different since it had been styled like Adam's.

"Cool!" I cooed and swooned a little. I noticed Divann starting to cry in the audience, but I couldn't think about that right now.

"You might think your Rianna will do well against Staravia since it's a Flying type but I know how to hurt it. Staravia use Dragon Rush!" The intimidating bird flew quickly and stealthily towards Rianna, but Rianna jumped out of the way just in time and countered with a Holy Scratch attack, slicing off Staravia's hair.

"You've messed up this time!" Adam screamed as Staravia continued using Dragon Rush, faster and faster, until Rianna was nearly knocked out.

"I believe in you Rianna. Use Recover and then strike back with a Thundershock!" I shouted. Clouds formed overhead as a bolt of lightning from Rianna's head paralyzed Staravia's wings, causing it to crash into the floor, cracking its beak.

"No, Staravia!" Adam cried. "You win this time. I'll call Bacardi and tell him to open his gym for you."

"Thanks, Adam. Hey do you want to talk backstage?" I asked shyly.

"I have to get Staravia to the Pokécenter now, but here is my phone number," Adam said as he picked up his fainted bird and winked. "Call me sometime."

I couldn't do anything but giggle and blush. When I met up with Tilly and Divann they hugged me and congratulated me, but I could see something was wrong with Divann, but I didn't know what.

"Well you heard the man," Tilly said, "Let's go get Bacardi!"


	5. Queer Eye for the Bi Guy

I couldn't stop wondering if something was bothering Divann as I walked beside him, watching him cry. We approached the mall and I got the greatest idea.

"Retail therapy!" I screamed in his ear.

"What?" he asked, scaredly.

"Retail therapy!" I repeated loudly again, "It's when you buy things because you're sad and then you feel better!" Rianna looked pleased at this idea since it was clear the whole time she wanted to buy new earrings.

"That's actually a good idea Xylark," Tilly moaned, "I want to get Buneary a big hat." Buneary clapped like a rabbit and sat up on its front legs, grinning.

"It's settled, then! Let's go!" We all cheered, even Golett who seemed to have about as much fashion sense as Divann. When we entered the mall we were all amazed by how many cute shops there were! Finally we found some cute boy clothes that would be perfect for Divann.

"You'll love this store, it's called Unovan Braviary and it has everything that you could ever want," I said provocatively.

"I don't know, guys, I like my own clothes," Divann lamented sadly. Rianna, Tilly, and I all shared glances and rolled our eyes at how stupid Divann was being, but he was cute so we let it go.

After searching a while we found some cute choices for Divann and had him try them on. When he came out of the dressing room we were all floored. My jaw literally dropped off my face. Divann was standing there in cute blue and brown shoes, tight jeans, and a red and black flannel-esque shirt with metallic buttons and a Burberry scarf. He was wearing those black-framed glasses that are really fashionable right now and his hair swept bravely into the air without his junky hat on.

"Wow, girl," I squealed, "You look fierce!" Divann started blushing and kicking the ground with his feet. Maybe there was a chance for us after all.

Buneary clapped and said, "Bun bun, eary," which meant she was happy. Even Rianna did a little dance to celebrate the occasion.

As we were leaving I couldn't stop thinking about how hot Divann looked now. Even Golett was hot with his new fedora hat and spiky belt. I saw Rianna giving him glances but I didn't want to embarrass her by pointing it out.

"You know, you were right Xylark. I do feel much better now! I think I'm ready to take on Bacardi with you!" Divann squirted.

"Awesome!" I replied, "And what about you, Tilly? Are you ready?"

"You know it! Buneary, what about you?" Tilly queried.

"Let's go!" she cheered in her new purple hat.

The gym loomed ahead...


	6. In da Club

As soon as we saw the nondescript, glittery, deep-purple, two-story building with gold lights streaming all across forming the words Minaj Town Gym and Nightclub, we knew we had found the gym.

Tilly was all like, "OMG it's a club too!" We both screamed because we loved clubs and I was used to drinking lots of alcohol because I liked to party. I noticed Divann looked nervous and I thought that he probably had never been to a club before like I had.

"This club looks OK, but this one time I went to a club that had like 5000 people in it and Rihanna performed and said I was the cutest person there," I said coolly. Rianna perked up at her name but I said, "No, Rianna, not you. The other one who sings." She got sad and started to cry.

"I wish I could be cool like you, Xylark!" Tilly and Divann said in unison, and I blushed and felt bad for them because they were sad.

"But let's go fight Bacardi!" I said comfortingly.

As soon as we walked into the gym, we saw hundreds of people dancing. Lights were going on and off in different colors and there was a DJ playing dance music like "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada. Buneary, Golett, and Rianna's eyes grew big upon seeing this and they ran out to the middle of the floor and began doing a cute little choreographed dance.

"Let's get crunk," I reported, and dragged Tilly and Divann to the bar.

"Three cosmopolitans, please," I ordered because that's my favorite drink like SJP in Sex and the City.

The bartender replied sexily, "It's on the house," with a wink at me. He was about 6'2" and tan with blonde hair and blue eyes and big muscles. He was wearing a sexy tight black shirt and tight skinny jeans and expensive black Gucci shoes.

"Thanks," I said and winked flirtatiously too as I noticed Divann starting to cry again. "What is wrong with him?" I thought to myself.

As we were dancing and drinking I saw this really hot guy with neon blue spiky hair, a beige Armani suit with a red vest and glittery tie. I went up and introduced myself, "Hi, I'm Xylark. Who are you?" He looked at me in shock.

"Xylark? I'm Bacardi! Adam Lambert told me you'd be coming. When do you want to earn your first gym badge?" He snorted.

I giggled seductively and said, "After we dance," and then we danced to a dance remix of "Somebody Like You" by Adele. After it was over we were both sweaty but drunk and smiling.

He said loudly to everyone, "OK everyone the club is closed. I have a battle!" Everyone clapped because they saw me and remembered me from the concert and then they left except for Tilly, Buneary, Rianna, Divann, and Golett.

"I hope you have three Pokémon," Bacardi pontificated.

"Ri, ri anna na?" Rianna questioned nervously.

"Why do I need three Pokémon? I only have Rianna, Tilly only has Buneary, and Divann only has Golett," I stated.

"Well, I only do triple battles here!" he shrieked, "But if you three have three Pokémon between the three of you, then you can battle me as a team and if you win, you all get a badge!"

"Eeee! Cool!" Tilly squealed and Buneary did a little dance and jumped on it's feet like a rabbit.

"All right, then, let's get started!" I screamed as we stepped into the arena.


	7. Bacardi and the Flaming Badge

I stood in the middle of the arena with Tilly on my left and Divann on my right.

"You look scared," I giggled sexily to Bacardi's face.

"Hardly," he squirted as he threw out three Pokéballs at once. "Go Litwick, Charmeleon, and Houndour!" Bacardi squirreled. Litwick flicked in front of Buneary, Houndour positioned itself in front of Golett, and Charmeleon asserted itself in front of my cute Rianna.

"Litwick, Charmeleon, and Houndour use Flame Burst!" Bacardi screamed seductively.

Charmeleon sent its flames toward Rianna but they didn't do anything to her, although the secondary flames hit Golett and Buneary, as Houndour and Litwick hurt them with their Flame Bursts, respectively.

"Buneary use Fire Punch!" squicked Tilly as Buneary stuck its fiery fist in Litwick's body. The flare disappeared but suddenly Litwick's body grew to large proportions like when you put air in a balloon and make it bigger by blowing in it like a balloon.

As soon as Litwick bulked up Bacardi shouted, "Use Mirror Coat, Litwick!" and it knocked out Buneary in one hit!

"Oh, no!" Tilly quetzacoatled, but it was too late. Buneary was knocked out.

"Forget Litwick, Golett. Just get Houndour!" Divann shooted. Suddenly Golett used Earthquake, which was extremely super-effective against Houndour, who was part fire, but little did he notice that the aforementioned Houndour was riding on an Air Balloon!

"Ha, the Earthquake can't hit him with the balloon!" Bacardi laughed super annoyingly. "Houndour, use Dark Pulse!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. A dark pulse grew in Houndour's mouth then suddenly it shot into Golett's face at which point it exploded, killing Golett.

"No, that's mean!" Divann said but Golett was dead so no one listened.

"It's ok, losers. I got this!" I said confidently as none of my Pokémon were dead. "Rianna use Dual Angel Wing Slash!" I screamed and Rianna attacked both Houndour and Litwick, hitting them super-effectively with Angel-type moves and OHKOing them.

"You might have gotten my two weak Pokémon, but there's no way you can beat Charmeleon. Use Hidden Power Psychic, Charmeleon!" he screamed.

The move hit Rianna and knocked her to the ground, but all of a sudden she got up and stood directly in front of Charmeleon, glaring. I knew what to do.

"Rianna, use a mixture of Bubblebeam and Rock Slide!" I screamed and she did and killed Charmeleon.

"Oh my!" Bacardi cried, "My Charmeleon is dead instead of fainted. You are truly a good Pokémon trainer and you all deserve this badge. Here you go!" he said sadly but seductively while winking at me a lot.

"Score!" I squalled, "We got the Flaming Badge!"

"Yay" the other people who I was with said. They were cute but it was funny that they couldn't have won without me.

"I'm going to call the next gym and tell them you're coming," Bacardi said, "You are the best trainer I ever seen. And you are really cute and sexy too." I lol'd and then we left the gym.

"Xylark I hope we can battle as good as you soon," Tilly said, and I just nodded at her. It was time to leave and go to the next town, so I couldn't deal with her delusions at the moment.

"Hey, wait a minute. What's that?" Divann quizzically queried while pointing at a large ugly bag thing in the sky.


	8. Purely Pissed

The big ugly bag turned out to be a hot air balloon in shape of the ugly Pokémon Shroomish.

"Eww, gross! Shroomish is a fungus and I hear those are bad for you!" I shouted at Tilly's face, but she was so drained of color that she almost looked white even though I knew she was probably still black since that's not how ethnicity works.

"Why do you look like a white person?" I aksed.

"Those are the racists that killed my parents," she said secretively like she had a secret about who those people actually were.

"Do you think those are the racists who killed your parents?" I asked. She nodded. I knew that meant maybe. The balloon descended slowly and I saw that there were two people in the balloon accompanied by the Pokémon Shroomish. They said a poem that went like this:

"To protect the region from the blacks," Jay said.

"To defend the people from the blacks," Missy continued.

"To denounce the evils of non-whites!"

"To extend our reach and prove our might!"

"Missy!"

"Jay!"

"Team Purity blast off with God's love!"

"Surrender now or get death from above!"

"I'm Shroomish, ya bish!" Shroomish squeaked. "Bish" was meant to be bitch but it rhymed with Shroomish, which is why she changed it.

Missy, Jay, and Shroomish squatted down in between the glittery buildings, blocking our way. I wasn't sure what they wanted buy I definitely hid Rianna's earrings (which actually turned out not to be removable) behind my hair along with the rest of her. Divann and Golett hid in the bathroom but I ignored them because this part isn't about them so they can stay there until the next chapter. I noticed Tilly looked scared.

"Are you scared, Tilly?" I asked.

"Yeah, those are the people who killed my parents!" she screamed at me as though I had been the person who killed her parents. I was offended and decided not to talk to her anymore. She was so self-absorbed, but whatever I wasn't going to let her ruin my day.

"Give us the black girl, Xylark. She's ours!" Missy commanded.

"Umm, she's not my Pokémon. In fact I'm pretty sure she's a person and I think she want's to be my friend and not yours, so you can go screw yourself!" I screamed. At that moment Tilly started crying and she told me that before I had found her these people were her slave owners, but she had escaped and become my friend.

"That's not your decision to make, boy!" Jay screamed.

"Well if you can't cough up the money to buy her back, then there's no way I'm giving her back because she's my friend! " I yelled.

"That's fine with us," Jay giggled, "We'll just take her from you! Go Kakuna!"

"Go Cascoon!" Missy commanded.

The two faced Rianna and immediately began to shoot Electro Balls which slowed down Rianna to almost a crawl, until she broke free and OHKO'd both with a swift Angel Kick to each, breaking their shells and killing them on contact.

"You think we care about those useless pupas?" Jay said, "Ha! We have Shroomish! Use Spore!"

Shroomish shook like a mental and spores flew all over Rianna, causing her to immediately fall asleep.

"Eeeek! Save me!" Tilly screamed as they started chaining her hands together to use her to do their chores. Buneary saw this and decided it was time for her to do something. Suddenly Buneary's fists lit up and turned to fireballs, knocking Shroomish out on contact and causing severe brain damage to Missy and Jay.

"Thank you, Buneary!" Tilly screamed, and suddenly Buneary began to glow and jump on its legs like a bunny or something. It flashed and flashed and then suddenly it became a Loppuny!

"I can't believe Buneary evolved!" Divann said excitedly. "She's so beautiful," he moaned as Lopunny winked at him. Suddenly I got jealous but I knew I couldn't say anything. Tilly was alive and now we knew who killed her parents. That was the important thing. Maybe one day we could kill them too, but for now he have a badge, and soon we would have seven more. Things were great, and no amount of racists or other things could stop us now!


	9. Museums are Boring

"Thanks for saving me back there, Buneary," Tilly said happily and Buneary winked and gave her a high five. They were really cute but not as cute as me and Rianna.

"Where are we going now, guys?" Divann asked.

"Well, I guess we should head to the next gym. It's in the next town over, Gleeville!" I replied. The town was named after the show Glee which everyone there loved. They even had Pokémon musicals that your Pokéfriends could perform in!

"All right, let's go!" Tilly said and Golett started flying around excitedly. While heading down the path we noticed a big boring building and decided to check it out.

"Let's check it out," Rianna said.

"I think it's a museum!" Tilly squealed. I rolled my eyes really far back into my head at the thought of a boring time at a museum, but Tilly and Rianna seemed excited so I decided to go with them.

"Welcome to the Pokémon Museum!" The museum lady said when we walked in, "The entrance fee is 50 Pokédollars!"

I noticed Divann looking sad and I realized it was because he was poor and couldn't pay but I was rich so I paid for him with a wink.

"Thanks, Xylark!" he said and I felt good about myself for helping poor people.

When we got inside we noticed a lot of policemen outside of a room called the "Yellow Diamonds Exhibition Hall." Like in the Rihanna song! We ran up to them and asked them what happened.

"What happened?" we asked them.

"Someone stole the Yellow Diamonds!" the police officer cried and he started to shake.

"What are the Yellow Diamonds?" Tilly asked stupidly.

"I think I can answer that!" said a voice from behind us. We turned around and saw an old man who was dressed like an old man who had a cane, except he didn't have a cane. "Oh my, is that a Rianna?" he asked, pointing at Rianna.

"Yes," I said even though it was fucking obvious.

"That's an amazing coincidence! The Yellow Diamonds have everything to do with the Pokémon Rianna," the old man said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Ri ri anna?" Rianna echoed.

"Well, they cause Rianna to change formes, but we don't know what those formes are because no one has even encountered such a rare Pokémon like Rianna until now!"

"Are you saying my Rianna is the only Rianna?" I questioned.

"Yes," he said. I couldn't believe I had such a rare Pokémon that everyone wanted. I could tell Tilly and Divann were jealous.

"Wow!" Tilly exclaimed, "How many formes are there?"

"Well right now we think four since there are four Yellow Diamonds," the old museum man answered.

"We gotta go find them!" Divann screamed.

"Yeah!" I agreed. He was super cute when he was excited.

"Maybe you should let the policemen do their work?" the old man suggested stupidly but it was too late because we had already left and we didn't hear him or care.

"Where should we look first?" Tilly asked.

I thought for a moment and said, "Well let's get the next gym badge first. Maybe there'll be some clues in Gleeville!"

"You're right, Xylark," Divann said, "You're so smart." He blushed and kicked the ground with his feet. Golett did a little dance and we started heading into the next town and toward the gym!


	10. Miltank and the Flappy Badge

As soon as we entered Gleeville we heard music everywhere! People and Pokémon were all dancing together and singing in the street, just like in the show Glee. Even Golett who was a terrible dancer started trying to join in, but of course he failed.

"Wow, this place is great!" Divann ejected, and I could tell he thought this place was great.

I smiled and winked seductively and said, "Maybe we can do a duet later if you want." Divann blushed sexily and started snorting, which made Buneary giggle.

"Anyway, you guys, let's go to the gym and get our next badge. There it is!" Tilly pointed to a big green and gold circus tent which was playing circus music. There was even an elephant out front that you could feed peanuts!

"Elephants are my favorite animal!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I ran up to it and fed it peanuts and I saw Rianna getting jealous, but I didn't care because she wasn't an elephant.

"Xylark, c'mon stop wasting time," Tilly lectured.

"What kind of Pokémon does this leader use, by the way?" I queried.

"She uses flying-types, my favorites!" Tilly squealed excitedly.

"SHE!?" I was shocked, screaming, "I didn't know girls were allowed to be gym leaders. They're icky!" I almost puked.

"Yes, SHE!" Tilly said like she was angry or something, "And her name is Miltank."

"What? Why is she named after a Pokémon?" Divann aksed erotically, "That's a weird name."

"She IS a Pokémon!" Tilly said like we were dumb. Divann and I both gasped and had heart attacks. We entered the circus tent and saw a Miltank sitting in the middle of it in a clown outfit and makeup.

"Welcome to the Gleeville Gym!" She mooed, "I bet you're here for the Flappy Badge!"

"You got that right, cowgurl!" I said sassily and we all laughed because I had said a funny joke. People usually told me I was very funny so I wasn't surprised that Miltank liked me too.

"Well, let's begin. You may be very attractive but let's see if you're a good trainer too!" She mooed seductively, "Go Noctowl! Use Wing Attack!"

"Go Rianna! Dodge the Wing Attack and use Tail Glow!" Rianna dodged the Wing Attack easily and her tail began to glow, raising her Special Attack higher than even Deoxys.

"Wow, I've never seen a Rianna before! It's so cute and powerful!" Miltank mooed surprisedly. Rianna winked and flicked her tail.

"OK, Rianna, now use Angelic Crunch!" I commanded and she did. An angelic glow formed around her and filled the room, permanently blinding Noctowl, and then she crunched her fangs on his beak, destroying it on contact!

"Wow, you really are a great trainer!" Miltank said as she put Noctowl back into its Pokéball, "But there's no way you'll get past my last Pokémon! Go Chatot!" She mooed like a scream.

Chatot burst out of the ball and immediately started singing. "Chatot, use Sing!" Miltank mooed. A stream of music slammed into Rianna, but nothing happened.

"Ha, you've fallen right into my trap, Miltank. Rianna isn't affected by sleep moves!"

"MOOOO!" Miltank said. I laughed at her and shook my finger. Chatot got angry and started taking matters into her own wings. She started thinking and looking like she was making a bad plan.

"Xylark, she's using Nasty Plot!" Divann shouted.

"I know, I'm not an idiot!" I yelled back. I couldn't believe he thought I didn't know that.

"Rianna, counter back with a Shadow Ball!"

"You must be kidding!" Miltank snorted, "Chatot is immune to Ghost-type attacks. It's part Normal!"

I just laughed at her ignorance as the Shadow Ball made contact with Chatot's face, slicing her wing nearly off. She fell to the ground fainted.

"But how!?" Miltank mooed. Rianna just winked cutely and ran back to me and sat behind my hair. "Well I guess I have no choice, here is the Flappy Badge!"

Everyone in the stadium started cheering for me and shouting my name. Even Rianna started singing a song for me. It was the best day ever.

"Thanks, Miltank, but can I ask you a question?" I asked.

"Yes," she mooed.

"Do you know where I can find the Yellow Diamonds?" I queried interestedly.

"I heard that they were stolen but the criminal hid them someplace. I think I heard a rumor that one is in Margarita Mountain just over there," she offered, pointing to a mountain that was white with snow like a margarita.

"All right, well I think we know where we're going next!" Tilly said happily and Buneary did a dance that was like something you see in a Lady Gaga music video. We all laughed and started heading toward the mountain!


	11. Margarita on the Rocks

"Ugh, this place is nothing like a margarita!" I complained. It was dark and scary and there were Zubat everywhere.

"It's wet like a margarita, Xylark," Tilly snarked. I had to stop myself from slapping her. I couldn't believe she would talk to me, of all people, like that. I decided I wouldn't ever talk to her again.

"Divann, would you please tell Tilly I am angry at her?" I told Divann.

He replied obediently, "Well if you aren't talking to her I'm not either." Tilly started crying and she and Buneary ran into the darkness.

"Good riddance!" I said but Rianna said that she felt bad for her. I couldn't believe Rianna would betray me like that but I forgave her because she was cute.

"Well, the first Yellow Diamond has got to be around here somewhere," Divann pointed out as though that weren't extremely obvious. We began to search, turning over every rock or Geodude we came across.

"It's nowhere!" I shouted in frustration, when suddenly we saw the entrance to a cave. "Maybe it's in there!" I suggested, but suddenly a scream came out that sounded like that of a black person.

"Tilly!" Divann and I screamed at the same time. I was still mad at her but I couldn't let her get hurt because I'm a good person. "We've gotta go see what's wrong!"

As soon as we entered the cave we saw Tilly and Buneary yoked and being dragged away by two figures. "Rianna, use Flash!" I said and she did and the whole cave lit up, revealing Missy, Jay, and Shroomish.

"You again!" I intimidated, "I thought we got rid of you in Minaj Town!"

"Yeah right, you worthless queer!" Missy yelled homophobically. It was one thing to keep slaves but it was another to say mean things about gay people. It was now personal.

"SHE BELONGS TO ME!" I screamed and lunged at Missy, ripping out her earrings.

"Now you've done it," she giggled, "Beedrill! Go!"

"Dustox! Go!" Jay agreed.

"Me! Go!" Shroomish said jokingly but no one laughed because his timing was way off.

Shroomish used Seed Bomb which immediately OHKO'd Golett, but Rianna dodged the attack.

"Rianna, use Blue Flare!" I commanded, but she had read my mind with telekinesis and was already beginning the attack. A blue flame shot out of Rianna's mouth and incinerated Shroomish, Dustox, and Beedrill.

"Ugh, why are you so strong?" Jay sighed.

"Xylark help me!" Tilly screamed.

"OMG I am, you are so impatient!" I yelled but then I remembered I wasn't talking to her still, "Oh, yeah, I'm not talking to you until you apologize."

"I'm so sorry, Xylark!" she cried, sweet tears of remorse flowing from her eyeballs.

I smiled and yelled to Rianna, "Finish them all off with Sacred Meteor!" Suddenly the whole cave glowed and exploded, sending Missy, Jay, Shroomish, Dustox, and Beedrill into the air until they turned into a star and made a ding noise like when Team Rocket "gets blasted off again" in the anime.

"Thank you for freeing me from slavery, Xylark. You're like a sexy Lincoln," Tilly said and Buneary agreed, "Did you find the Yellow Diamond yet?"

"No, we were trying to find it before you interrupted us," Divann said, rolling his eyes so fast they made a sound like whoosh.

"Sorry!" Tilly replied but it was too late for apologies.

"Wait, is that it?" she asked, pointing to a shining yellow diamond in the corner.

"Wait, there it is!" I said and pointed to the diamond, "I found it!"

I went up to the Yellow Diamond and grabbed it.

"What should we do with it?" Divann asked.

"Well, the old museum guy said it would make Rianna change formes, but I like her just how she is," I said thoughtfully and Rianna smiled but she looked nervous too. "I guess we'll save it for when we really need it."

Everyone agreed with me, but suddenly the ground started shaking uncontrollably.

"An earthquake!" Tilly screamed, "It must be from the Sacred Meteor!"

"OMG it's not Rianna's fault, you bitch!" I yelled. I couldn't believe I had saved her twice from the racists and this is how she treated me.

At that moment nearly one hundred Steelix burst out of the ground.

"What's going on!" Divann asked, "And what's that?" He pointed to a figure crouched in front of the Steelix. It was Heatran!

"You've destroyed this mountain and now I will destroy you!" Heatran screamed at us.

"No!" Tilly shrieked.

There seemed to be no way out of this, but then I looked down at the Yellow Diamond and knew what I had to do.


	12. With a Twist

Rianna seemed to have read my mind because she came up to me with fear and determination in her eyes. She said she was ready.

"I'm ready," she said.

"Haha, what do you think you're going to do with that stone and a little kitty/chinchilla?" Heatran mocked.

"Quit being rude!" I yelled and took the Yellow Diamond in my hand and caressed Rianna with it all over. I noticed Divann getting jealous but I seriously couldn't deal with his drama right now.

Rianna started meowing and glowing.

"What's going on here?" Heatran shouted, "What's it doing?"

Everyone stood back as Rianna grew and grew, getting longer and more serpentine. Suddenly the room filled with a blinding light and then got regular again. Standing in front of me was not Rianna. "Furrghi" She croaked.

Furrghi was part Angel type and part Dragon type and resembled one of those Chinese dragons that they use in those parades with all the people under them, except she didn't have any people under her. She was bright white with glittery scales and the same earrings as before but bigger and more expensive looking. She had long dark hair with highlights like the real Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.

"OMG you look fierce!" everyone shouted and Furrghi blushed and winked seductively.

"So that's your gimmick, huh?" Heatran chortled. At that exact moment Furrghi turned to him and spit in his face!

"Oh snap!" Tilly snapped.

I yelled, "Use Focus Blast to kill all the Steelix!" She did. Focus Blast after Focus Blast hit the Steelix one by one, never missing, until the last had died.

"Scared yet?" I said to Heatran but he pretended to ignore me which I found to be rude. That was crossing the line.

"Use Earthquake, now!" I yelled to Furrghi and she did a little dance move like from the music video for Glamorous by Fergie and then let out a huge Earthquake.

"LOL I'm wearing an Air Balloon," Heatran snorted and he let out a huge mixture of Dragon Pulse and Dark Pulse, hitting Furrghi quadruple super-effectively.

SLAM!

She hit the ground… dead.

"No!" everyone except Heatran screamed and went up to Furrghi as she lay there lifeless. I started crying and ran up to Heatran, hitting and hitting him over and over. He just laughed.

"Why would you kill my best friend?" I cried at him.

"Because you killed mine," he said.

"What, no I didn't," I retorted.

"Oh, what? My bad," he said and walked back into the darkness of the cave. I stomped my feet in anger and ran back to Furrghi, who was being hugged by Golett. I pushed him off and started crying again. A single tear from my perfect face hit Furrghi's skin and she began to glow like a glittery coin.

Suddenly she woke up and was like, "Xylark, you saved my life! You're the best!" I blushed and kicked the ground with my feet.

After that we flew on Furrghi's back to a small field on the other side of Margarita Mountain.

"Furrrrr, furrr… Furrghi!" Furrghi said and sounded almost like the real Fergie. I knew this meant that she wanted to turn back into Rianna, so I rubbed her sensually all over again with the Yellow Diamond and she became normal again. She meowed cutely and hid behind my hair.

"You two have such a great relationship," Divann said, "I'm jealous of her." I giggled and gave him a little kiss on the cheek and I heard him gasp and then he looked really embarrassed. I could tell Golett was jealous but I didn't care.

"After all that excitement I could use a real margarita!" Tilly squealed and I agreed so we headed to the nearest bar in the next town over, anticipating our next badge!


	13. Spooky Ghost Love

"What the hell is this place?" I asked, overlooking the deserted streets of the ugly town.

"I, I don't know!" Tilly said monotonously.

"I do!" Divann squealed like a little girl. Eww, that was gross. "It's Spooky City!"

"Spooky City?" I asked, "That sounds like some lame, seasonally-opened Halloween store."

"IT'S NOT!" he yelled at me. Oh, my God. I couldn't believe he just yelled at me. Obviously he realized his mistake because he apologized immediately, "I'm sorry. I just have heard about this town. It's supposed to be the scariest in the world!"

"I don't get scared," I said confidently. "One time I went to a haunted house and while I was there the power went out and then someone broke in and killed some people but I captured him and I wasn't even scared of the haunted house either."

"Wow, you're really brave, Xylark!" Buneary chirped. I winked with both eyes.

Anyway, we went through the gross town. The streets were all windy and it was dark all the time even though it was day. Suddenly we saw a huge ugly building. It was purple and pink but not cute like you would think but dilapidated and stuff. I think I even saw a cobweb.

"Let's go in!" Divann said, "It looks spooky!"

"LOL! Yeah, sure. Spooky," I snarked. I wasn't scared of anything. We approached the old wooden door which had green mold all over it. I made Tilly open it because I wasn't about to get my perfect hands dirty.

"Hello? Anybody home?" Tilly said.

"You are so cliché," I replied. How could she really think I would let her get away with saying something so banal?

Suddenly we saw something skirt along the far wall. Buneary literally shit herself. We all laughed but then we saw what the shadowy figure was: a Golett, except it had long red hair like Lindsay Lohan when she had long red hair. I decided to call her Girlett.

"Gol, golett!" Golett said and blushed.

"Girrrrrlett!" Girlett replied and then they kissed.

"Wow, looks like Golett found a girlfriend!" Tilly giggled. I noticed that Buneary was crying loudly. Maybe she was jealous?

"I guess she can come explore with us!" I suggested aphrodisiatically.

So Divann, Golett, Girlett, the others and I started exploring, looking for a Yellow Diamond maybe, but mostly just letting Divann entertain himself before we went to the gym. Suddenly the ground began to shake and we heard gears shifting and the ground shaking.

"What's that!" Tilly asked loudly as though that was necessary.

BAM! A Golurk with long blonde hair and an obviously fake tan burst through the wall and stomped in front of us!

"AHHHH!" Everyone screamed except me, "It's Girlett's mother!"

"Girrr, girrrlurk!" she yelled at Girlett.

"Girlett!" Girlett replied defiantly.

Buneary seemed to have had enough. Her fists suddenly turned to ice and she slammed Girlurk in the face with a huge Ice Punch! She immediately died.

"Girlett!" Girlett cried, "You killed my mommy!"

"Like mother, like daughter," Buneary replied darkly and soon Girlett was dead, too.

"Golett, gol," Golett said sadly but then he realized that Buneary really must've loved him to commit murder, so he went up and hugged and thanked her.

"Looks like Golett's got a new girlfriend!" Tilly ejaculated. Golett and Buneary blushed and then started making out, getting more and more intense. Suddenly Golett was on top of Buneary, shaking and moving around erotically.

After they were finished we decided we should leave the mansion since nothing else was there. It was time to stop wasting time.

"Let's go find that gym," I giggled sexily. "Maybe we can take some notes from our Pokémon, huh, Divann?"

"Uhh, I guess," he blushed. I noticed Tilly giving me the stink eye but I was like whatever bitch and then we went to the gym.


	14. TaBoo and the Fisting Badge

"Where the fuck is this gym?" Tilly aksed. I couldn't believe she cussed. I had never cussed around her and I couldn't believe that she was spewing this shit right in front of my impressionable Rianna.

"Hold. The. Fuck. Up," I said to her with those pauses and everything.

"What?" She said annoyedly, but you better believe I was way more annoyedly than her.

"You said a bad word!" I screamed as loudly as I could, shaking her, causing her weave to almost fall off her head like frosting off a cupcake that hadn't cooled completely and was still warm. She looked shocked, but I noticed her gaze wasn't directed towards me like usual. Instead, she was looking directly behind me and she began to quiver.

"Is… is that the gym?" She pointed. I didn't know if this was a trick to get me to stop shaking her but I looked. Standing in front of us was a huge cemetery with a rickety old sign above it that said "gym."

"Obviously it's the gym, Tilly. It says so right there," I explained, rolling my eyes.

"Well, what're we waiting for? Let's go!" Divann yelled. I had almost forgotten he was even in this story. We headed into the cemetery and suddenly a ghost jumped in front of us!

"Ahhhh!" everyone except me screamed. But upon closer inspection we realized it was just a person in a white cloth with eyeholes cut out.

"Ahhh, a racist!" Tilly screamed.

"No, I'm supposed to be a ghost," the hooded figure yelled, "Ain't I spooky?" He had a southern accent which I thought was pretty hot so I winked. "Are ya'll here for the badge? You sure are brave to come to this town. It's hainted!"

"Yeah, we're here for the badge, and we're gonna win it too!" I yelled confidently.

"Well, before we begin I think we're in need of some introductions. My name is TaBoo. Get it?" he joked and I got it but Divann and Tilly didn't because they weren't as smart as me.

"Yes, I get it. It's stupid. I'm Xylark and this is Rianna." Upon hearing the name he looked shocked because I could tell he had never seen a Rianna before. "This is Tilly, Buneary, Golett, and Divann. What types of Pokémon do you use?"

"Isn't it obvious? I use Fighting types! Go Medicham!" he screamed.

"Go Rianna! Use Sucker Punch!" I commanded sexily.

"Ha! Nice try! I used Meditate so Sucker Punch is going to fail!" TaBoo said sassily.

"Shows what you know," I winked as Sucker Punch ripped right through Medicham, OHKOing him immediately.

"Wh- what!?" TaBoo shrieked, "That's impossible!"

I giggled and stomped my feet seductively, "So what's your next Pokémon?"

"Go, Scrafty!" he screamed, "Use Crunch, quick!"

Scrafty jumped up and his jaws wrapped provocatively around Rianna, crunching her nearly in half. She lay there, barely breathing.

"No, Rianna!" Tilly screamed. I couldn't believe it. This wasn't about her; it was about me and Rianna.

"No, Rianna!" I screamed louder and glared at Tilly. My words of encouragement filled Rianna with power and she jumped up defiantly. "Use Blessed Breath!"

She started breathing louder and louder, blowing with force stronger than a hurricane then BAM! Scrafty was down.

"Ha, well you've gotten through my two weakest, but there's no way you're going to get through my last Pokémon," TaBoo giggled and threw his last Pokéball, "Go, Gallade!"

Gallade jumped out and started using Bulk Up over and over. "Gallade now use Psycho Cut!" he screamed as Gallade's blade sliced Rianna right in half.

"Rianna, quick! Before you die use Explosion!" I shouted. Everyone gasped because they couldn't believe I had thought of something so brilliant. If she used Explosion she would just faint instead of die. Rianna winked and started glowing then suddenly she burst, OHKOing Gallade right before she herself fainted.

"That was amazing!" TaBoo said.

"No shit!" Tilly snarked back. Jesus Christ I couldn't believe she was cussing again. I glared at her.

"Well, I guess you deserve this, then!" TaBoo winked as he threw us a badge, "The Fisting Badge!"

"Yay!" everyone screamed, even Rianna who had already fully recovered.

"Where's the next badge, by the way?" I asked TaBoo.

"Oh, well it's not too far off, but you have to cross a dangerous river," he replied, pointing to a big river not too far from the cemetery. "Good luck!"

"Like we need it," I winked and we left. The river was no match for me and my best friend, Rianna! Divann, however, didn't seem too sure.


	15. Dominicobalt's Lemon

The river was big and full of water, but I knew that I wouldn't have any problem crossing it since I had won several awards for swimming before I became a Pokémon trainer. One time I met Michael Phelps and he told me I was probably a better swimmer than him. We went out for a little bit but I ended it because he wasn't serious enough for me.

"Eww, water! I can't swim!" Tilly said stereotypically. Even Buneary rolled her eyes this time.

"Well, how're we going to get across?" Divann asked. I looked around for like a second and found the supplies to build a boat and then I built it, so we got in and started across the river.

"You're such a good carpenter!" Divann said, "Just like Jesus."

I giggled at the comparison but I didn't disagree. The boat was going along great but then all of a sudden a bear attacked the boat and it broke. Luckily I had built it so that there would be enough planks for all of us to hold on. We were scared but we managed to survive for the two days we floated along. On the brink of death we reached an island.

"I didn't think we were going to survive!" Tilly said, but I knew at least I would've. "Let's see if we can find some food. I'm hungry!"

We searched all around the island and found some coconuts which were tasty but we wanted some meat. We sat on the beach sadly but then heard some footsteps behind us. When I turned around I saw a tall Hawaiian-looking guy with blonde hair and a surfboard and a pooka shell necklace. He was pretty muscular and he had a pet Aipom sitting on his shoulder. All he was wearing were orange and yellow board shorts and you could see that V-shaped muscle thing leading down to his you-know-what area. Everyone swooned, even Golett who I don't think was even bi or anything.

"Who are you?" Tilly asked sweetly. Girl was lucky I was letting her take this one.

"I'm Dominicobalt," he winked back. "I've never seen a black chick before. You look fine."

Tilly swooned at this compliment and immediately got up and gave him a kiss. "We were just looking for some meat. Do you have any for us?"

"Well, I know I at least have some for you, but come back to my place. I've just finished making some dinner," he said.

"Aiiiiii pom!" Aipom said, obviously.

So we went back to Dominicobalt's house, which was super ugly and only made of like branches and leaves and stuff. On his raggedy table was a huge feast: bacon, salami, coconut margaritas, and Greek salad.

"I don't eat meat." Divann said and I looked at him like he was an idiot. I just ignored his stupidity and began eating. By the time we finished the meal I noticed Tilly and Dominicobalt starting to rub each other.

"Um, should we leave?" I aksed.

"No," Dominicobalt said and winked seductively. He and Tilly were rubbing then they started making out passively. Then he did her and then they were done and breathing hard. Aipom was clapping his hands and I noticed Divann was eyeing me sexily.

"Thanks for the meal, Dominicobalt!" Divann said, "But I think we should probably try to find a way to the next town now. We're getting badges!"

"Badges?" Dominicobalt asked. "Well you can take the boat down by the dock and it'll take you right to Streisandy Beach. It's a beach resort but there's a gym there too!"

"Sweet!" I screamed. Tilly looked concerned but agreed to come along. She gave Dominicobalt a kiss on the face and we left. When we got to the boat we all got on except Tilly.

"I – I can't leave him. I love him!" she shrieked and ran back to his hut.

"Wait!" Divann screamed and we ran along behind her. When Divann and I got there we saw Tilly crying on the floor and Dominicobalt sitting in the same place where we left him, throat slit, with Aipom hanging from the ceiling fan by the neck. A note was sitting on the table. It read, "Thou shalt not love monkeys." It was signed by Team Purity.

"Those racists are mean!" Tilly said but there was nothing we could do about it now. On the inside I giggled at the double entendre of the "monkey" in their note, but I thought that they were mean too.

When we got back to the boat we waved goodbye to the island and headed off towards Streisandy Beach!


	16. Streisandy Beach Tournament

"I've been wanting to tan for so long!" Tilly screamed, and Divann and I looked at each because she was black and I didn't think those people tanned or anything.

"Why's it called Streisandy Beach?" Divann asked. I shrugged.

"I love beaches!" Tilly squealed.

"That's Bette Midler!" I screamed. How could she be so stupid?

"Wait, what's that?" Divann aksed and pointed with his finger to a giant group of people jumping around.

"I dunno. Let's check it out!" Lopunny shrieked, but first I was like, "Girl, I need a margarita," so I got one and then we left.

By the time we arrived, everyone at the event had already noticed Rianna and realized she was a special Pokémon, so they all were quiet and watched us approach the arena.

"Sir, we don't allow such amazing Pokémon to compete in our tournament. Only regular Pokémon can be entered. And don't try to use your good looks to persuade me!" The contest lady said to me. "Oh, but that Lopunny looks like it should be able to enter. It has nothing special about it!"

"Lop, op, oppa Loppa ny!" Lopunny popped Koreanly.

"OK, we're game to enter!" Tilly yelled happinessly.

"What about my Golett?" Divann asked the contest lady.

"Oh, I dunno about him. He looks a little pathetic," she answered. Golett looked embarrassed and you could see Lopunny frontin' like she didn't know him or somethin'.

LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!

"Up first we have Tilly and Lopunny!" the announcer announced, "Versus Gzig and Scyther!"

"Scyther," Scyther said.

"Scyther, use Swords Dance!" Gzig yelled, and Scyther did that.

"While he's doing that, use Switcheroo!" Tilly said, and she did that too, trading her Flame Orb for Scyther's Chople Berry.

"Oh no, now he's burned!" Gzig yelled stupidly.

"Duh," Tilly replied, "Lopunny, now use Rock Punch!"

"Before she does that, use Brick Break, Scyther!" Gzig yelled, and the attack almost killed Lopunny but she was holding that Chople Berry so the power was reduced so she lived and killed Scyther with Rock Punch.

"Round One, Tilly and Lopunny win!" The announcer said announcingly, "Round Two now! Lopunny versus Matt and Kirlia!"

"LOL Kirlia is so gay," Tilly yelled and then Lopunny OHKO'd it.

"Round Two, Tilly and Lopunny win!" the announcer squirted, "Final Round now! Lopunny versus Ben and Stunfisk!"

"What's that?" Tilly asked.

"OMG can you not hear, it's a Stunfisk," Ben said sexily. I liked him. "Stunfisk, use Thunder Wave!"

"Ha, shows what you know!" Tilly snarked, "My Lopunny has Limber so it can't get paralyzed."

"Uh, no it was Klutz which you just showed against Scyther, idiot," Ben replied. Oh god, he was so cool. Lopunny became paralyzed and they even had to have a motorized wheelchair brought to her so she could continue.

"Buneary! Hi Jump Kick!" Tilly screamed but Lopunny was paralyzed so her legs were useless.

"Stunfisk, now's your chance! Use Earth Power!" He did. Lopunny fell out her chair and was squirming on the floor.

"Oh no, this looks bad," Tilly feared," But then she remembered she had given Lopunny all her Disani earlier. "Lopunny! Squirt it with one of the water bottles I gave you!"

She did and then Stunfisk died.

"Round Three, Tilly and Lopunny win!" the announcer said as Tilly and Lopunny hopped around, celebrating. The announcer came down to us and was like, "Hey, girl. You were good. The gym leader said she wants to battle you now."

"Wow, good for you, Tilly!" Divann said. I wasn't jealous because I knew Tilly wouldn't win so I just pretended like I hadn't heard anything.

"Well if she wants a battle, she's going to get one!" Tilly ejaculated, "Let's go!"


	17. Aquafina and the Splashy Badge

"Welcome to Barbrawl Shore, friends! Located right next to beautiful Streisandy Beach! On the water you may've found relaxation, but on the shore you'll find nothing more than beautiful parks, breathtaking architecture, and, of course, formidable trainers ready to take your Pokémon down!" some random tour guide yelled even though he had not been asked either to guide or yell.

"Don't you mean 'nothing less,'" I queried. "Saying nothing more implies that what you offer is not up to par."

"Well, uhh, yes, but it didn't rhyme, so…" The tour guide stammered before wallowing off back to his home presumably to kill himself.

"Where did he even come from?" Tilly asked, "We just need to get to the gym. Oh, look! There it is!" She pointed to the gym which was a building that said "gym" on it and had lights and stuff on the letters of the word gym, which turned out to be what the building actually was.

As soon as we entered the gym we realized it was a gym. Standing against the far wall was what appeared to be a female human in a bikini. She turned out to, in fact, be both female and human and she was wearing a bikini due to the fact that before her was a pool in which her Pokémon battled due to the fact that they were all Water-type Pokémon.

"I'm Tilly!" Tilly said, "What kind of Pokémon do you use?"

"Water-type Pokémon," the Gym leader announced, "And my name is Aquafina. It's polite to call someone by their name, no?" she asked in a foreign accent. I assumed it was Spanish or something because of her name, but she looked white for some reason. "Are you the girl who won the beach tournament? If so, be prepared to lose!" Aquafina cackled, "Go Pelipper!"

"Ha, that has a four times weakness to Electric-type attacks, and it just so happens that my Lopunny knows ThunderPunch, so take this!" Tilly screamed as Lopunny did as Tilly had mentioned just in that past bit of dialogue. Pelipper fell, fainted.

"Whatever, little girl," Aquafina said in her accent, which was beginning to sound maybe Greek or something. I don't know. "I still have two Pokémon left! Go, Quagsire!"

Quagsire jumped out of the Pokéball and said, "Quag."

Lopunny, having heard this, was pissed. She didn't even wait for Tilly's orders and attempted another ThunderPunch.

"What are you doing, Lopunny? He's immune to Electric-type attacks!" Tilly freaked.

Lopunny looked all confused but Quagsire just smirked as he used Earthquake, blasting Lopunny off her feet. Again he taunted, "Quag."

After this second remark, Lopunny was filled with rage. Mustering all her power she rubbed Quagsire's face with some grass she had found outside, screaming, "Take that, you mudfish abomination!" Quagsire fainted and was taken to the hospital. He died later that day.

"Well, well, well. We aren't so stupid after all, are we?" Aquafina quipped.

"Who's we?" Tilly asked, confusedly. "I only see one of you. Is there another? Come out, you coward!"

Aquafina just laughed in her face as I groaned, gazing around the arena. Suddenly the lights flicked and something shiny caught my eye.

"And now for my last Pokémon! Go Poliwrath!" Dasani screamed.

"Fuck," Tilly said solemnly. I ignored her garbage-mouth this time because I was still so fixated on that shiny thing.

"Poliwrath, use Brick Break!" Aquafina demanded, and he did. Lopunny's face literally almost flew off her skull.

"Wait a minute!" I finally realized, "That's a Yellow Diamond!" I squealed and picked it up. Rianna ran up to me, curious.

While Poliwrath continued to beat the shit out of Lopunny I realized that the only way for her to win was for me to step in with Rianna's new forme, whatever it may be. I quickly rubbed it all over Rianna, never taking my eyes off Divann, who I could tell was hiding an erection. Suddenly Rianna started to glow.

First, her face fell off and a new face grew in its place. Her hoop earrings stayed in place, but gross, greasy, badly dyed blonde hair started growing out of her scalp. Her fur began to glisten with glitter and shame as her feet grew into tentacles.

"Quèxia," she burped, which sounded like the name Ke$ha just in case you read that incorrectly.

"Quèxia, quick! Use Psycho Boost!" I screamed because she was Angel/Psychic type. She did and then Poliwrath fainted.

"You win!" Aquafina congratulated, "Congratulations!"

"I did it!" Tilly celebrated.

"LOL, not you," Aquafina snarked as she pointed to me, "Him! He's the one who defeated me. Congratulations, Xylark and Quèxia, you get the Splashy Badge!"

"Oh, I'm so proud of you!" Tilly said but I could tell she was jealous since her Pokémon sucked.

"Quèxia, xia," Quèxia said as glitter rained from the sky. She was super hot. I liked that she could swim, too. She was very talented.

"Hey, now that you three have a Pokémon that can use Surf, you guys can head across the ocean to Trübludton!" Aquafina announced.

"Oh, I love that show!" Divann said, but that was obvious since he was gay like me and I loved that show too like every other gay.

"Ugh, this is sucky," Tilly whined.

"Don't you mean 'Sookie,'" I said with a wink to Divann. God, I was so clever.


	18. Sink Sank Sunk

Tilly, Lopunny, Golett, Divann, and I were having a great time riding Quèxia on the high seas until suddenly Divann started sneezing and shit.

"Holy God, I've already said, 'Bless you,' like a million times. I'm done. You've lost your privilege," I said nicely after his recent bout of sneezing.

"I think he's allergic to glitter!" Tilly offered.

"What. The. Fuck," I replied, "How dare you accuse my Quèxia of making anyone sick. You're the worst."

"Quèxia, xia, quèèèè!"

"She might be right," Divann said. I just ignored it because I was not about to have a mutiny up on my bounty.

"Look, it's starting to rain!" I said observationally, "Let's get under Quèxia's hair!"

"Oh, no!" everyone said as we climbed under the tattered dreads. Suddenly we heard a voice.

"I am Kyogre, creator of the oceans. Who dares cross over me without my permission?"

"Um, excuse me, Kyogre, but we're going to Trübludton so could you please lose the 'tude and back off? Thanks," I said super politely but for some reason Kyogre got pissed.

"I ain't got no 'tude, boy," Kyogre spouted, "Eat this, loser!" A cyclone of water and oceanic pollution stuff like those plastic rings from 6-packs of sodas that get caught on bottlenose dolphin's noses splashed up and hit Quèxia in the face. Luckily she was used to having garbage thrown at her so this did practically no damage.

"Quèxia!" Quèxia roared as a beam of sequins came out of her mouth, aimed directly at Kyogre.

"Shit!" Kyogre screamed as the glittery bits sliced its eyes, "I can't see!"

"Now's our chance, Quèxia! Use Wood Hammer!" And she did and then Kyogre was all like 'OK you win' and stuff so it left and then we won and so we continued on surfing.

"You're the best Pokémon ever!" Golett said and winked at Lopunny. Lopunny pretended not to notice.

"I think Loponny and Golett are having relationship issues," Divann observed.

"It's probably because she's an adult now and he's a child," Tilly snarked. Golett started crying.

"Sorry your girlfriend isn't a pedophile!" We all teased and then suddenly Golett jumped into the ocean, leaving only a note behind.

The note read:

"Dearest Lopunny,

It saddens me that our relationship has ended the way it has; we started with so much passion, so much fervor. I knew we would be together forever. Then you changed. One day you were the carefree jumping little slut I fell in love with: Buneary. Then you became a larger, more rabbitty-looking Pokémon with longer ears and with more feminine features like what appeared to be boobs. I wasn't ready to give you what you were looking for: an evolved sex experience. For this I have decided to kill myself. I have dived into the ocean. This might not seem like a huge deal to you, but I am part Ground-type and as soon as the water hit my skin I died. So now as I sink to the bottom of the ocean I hope you realize that your love is gone forever.

Love,

Golett,"

"Uh oh, someone's dramatic," I rolled my eyes.

"Oh god! Oh god!" Divann cried, "He's dead! And it's all your fault!" He pointed at Lopunny and started choking her but she just punched him and he fell off, shivering on the floor.

"I'm sorry, dude, but stop being a pussy," Tilly consoled, "Look, there's Trübludton over there! I'm sure there's a Pokémon there for you!"

"I guess you're right. I just miss Golett!" Divann sobbed. Him crying was so unattractive you wouldn't even believe it. Gross. Anyway, we approached the shores of Trübludton with the hopes of finding Divann a new Pokémon and of getting my 5th badge!


	19. Hydroelectric Hijinks

"Land ho!" Tilly screamed clichély and Rianna suddenly looked super offended.

"She wasn't calling you a ho, Rianna. It's just a saying." I explained but she didn't care. She hated Tilly.

"It's not like it matters anyway," Divann expressed depressedly, "Nothing matters anymore."

"OMG could you sound any more like a whiny bitch, please? You can't still be upset about Golett. It's been like a day," I comforted. He just looked away in silence, tears streaming down his face. Even Lopunny rolled her eyes at him and she was the cause of it all.

We reached land and saw a big building by a river. It was big and metal and stuff and it said words on the front. The words were "Trübludton Regional Hydroelectric Plant."

"I wonder what it is?' Tilly asked.

"I think it's some kind of factory…" Divann slurred. I forgot to mention he was a drunk now because of his depression.

"Holy Jesus where did you two learn to read. It clearly says, 'Trübludton Regional Hydroelectric Plant.' It's literally right in front of you." I taught.

"Let's go, then! Maybe there's a cool Electric Pokémon for Divann!" Tilly squealed.

There wasn't.

When we got there I immediately noticed something was wrong due to the fact I was really good at observing stuff and deducing what's happening. Once I was offered a job as a detective but then they decided it wasn't a good idea since I would probably find out everything bad that my coworkers had done too. Anyway, the first thing I noticed was wrong was the fact that there were dead Rotom everywhere. Not gross boring Electric/Ghost Rotoms either. I'm talking the full-on washing machine Electric/Water Rotoms. They must've been the ones harvesting the power before they died.

"Ugh, it smells like dead bodies in here!" Tilly squeaked.

"Duh," I said.

We did some more exploring and found a dark room. We turned on the light and towards the back of the room was a scientist-looking dude who was wearing a science coat and had greasy hair and hipster glasses. He was like a real-world 5/10 but definitely nerd-world 9/10. Also, he was tied up and gagged, mumbling something that sounded like, "Watch out," but whatever.

"What's he saying?" Tilly asked, "Is he in trouble?"

"Yes, but he's not the only one," a stupid voice behind us said.

"I agree, now give us the negroid!" Another said. We immediately knew who it was.

"Team Purity!" I shouted, "Like I've said before she's my negroid, not yours!"

"Umm, thanks?" Tilly said. The scientist kept squirming, crying louder and louder.

"Man, he is annoying," Missy joked, "But he was just bait. We don't need him anymore." And with a push of a button the scientist exploded, blood and stuff everywhere.

"Eww, gross, cool," I said and giggled. It was pretty brutal. "But you won't get away with this!"

"Sure we will! We've got new Pokémon!" Jay said, "Go Lanturn!"

Missy continued, "Go Sharpedo!"

"Oh no, they look strong!" Divann worried, but he was wrong. As soon as they came out of their Pokéballs they flopped on the floor, gasping for air.

"Drat!" Missy frustrated, "They're useless out of water!"

"Ha, you guys are stupid as shit," I said cleverly.

"Why did you kill all those Rotom?" Tilly cried, "What does all that have to do with me?"

"Wow, arrogant much? It's not always about you, slave," Jay explained, "But Rotom are ghosts and Ghost-type Pokémon are abominations against God! A spirit walking the Earth is to be damned!"

"Well, looks like you two are the only ones who are getting damned tonight," Divann said but it wasn't really clever or witty or a pun or anything. But I guess it was dramatic enough.

Rianna jumped up, earrings flashing and performed a Triple Angel Halo Beam Blast attack that sent Missy, Jay, and Shroomish blasting off again. I forgot to mention Shroomish was there earlier but he didn't really say anything so it's not a big deal.

"Hey, what's that?" Divann queried and pointed to a crumbled piece of paper in the corner.

"It's some kind of map!" I screamed loudly.

"Hmm, it looks like directions to Team Purity's headquarters. I wonder if they're planning something big?" Tilly asked foreshadowingly.

"I guess we'll find out soon, but let's get to Trübludton and get me a badge!" I screamed as loud as I could.

"And find another Pokémon for me!" Divann said. I couldn't believe he was trying to have the last word. Could not believe it.

"Ugh," I said also foreshadowingly.


	20. Annoying Pipsqueak

After the events at the hydroelectric plant (which turned out to be completely inconsequential to the plot) we made our way toward Trübludton. Some of you might be wondering why there is an umlaut above the first u in Trübludton but that means you're stupid because that's not an umlaut. It's the bite of a vampire like in the show True Blood which everyone likes because it has sexy vampires in it as well as Anna Paquin who was also in X-Men and looks kinda like Juliette Lewis but not as crazy. Did you know Juliette Lewis is a Scientologist? Crazy.

Anyway we had almost gotten to town when suddenly I heard an annoying scream coming from the mouth of Divann. It wasn't just a scream, either: it was words too. The words were as follows: "Could we please go check out that patch of tall grass over there so I can get a new Pokémon?"

"Jesus God could you be any more annoying?" Lopunny quipped. We all laughed. After noticing Divann was about to start crying again, though, we consented.

The grass turned out to be far less tall than we had envisioned and we could clearly see every Pokémon waiting to attack us. It was embarrassing for them, really.

"Well, are there any you like?" I asked detectively.

"Hmmm," Divann answered concretely. I watched as he gazed around the field, carefully inspecting each Raticate, Fearow, Roselia, and Golbat (which was only out in the open due to it being Trübludton's regional mascot). He sighed sexily, but I could tell something was wrong.

"Is something wrong?" Tilly asked. I was way ahead of her.

"Sigh," Divann sighed again. This time I was sure something was the matter.

"What's the matter?" I asked, although I knew it was because all the Pokémon here sucked.

"All the Pokémon here suck," Divann seethed.

"What about me?" Some voice said from the middle of the field. We were all like what but then suddenly a Hoppip sprang out from the growth.

"Did you say that?" Divann asked.

"Yes," Hoppip said and then did some things like fly around and spread seeds and stuff.

"Hoppips usually suck, but since you talk I guess I will settle for you," Divann acquiesced.

"TEEHEE You have to catch me first!" Hoppip joked super-annoyingly. Divann just rolled his eyes and threw a Pokéball without even weakening it since its catch rate is like a bajillion.

"What how did you catch me?" Hoppip said as it was going into the Pokéball. But then she popped out because it's too confusing to keep having Pokémon go in and out of Pokéballs all the time. It's easier for them just to be there in case I want one of them to say something, you know?

"I pretty much hate this Pokémon, guys," Divann whined, "It's literally only cool because it can talk."

"I can also hear," Hoppip snarked but no one cared.

"I guess it'll do until we find something better. Then I'll just leave it somewhere," Divann decided.

"Good idea!" Tilly agreed.

As we finally headed through the Trübludton gates we couldn't stop giggling except for one person. Or should I say… Pokémon?

(It was Hoppip).


	21. Ernie and the Blacky Badge

"Well, at least we have a Pokémon that can use Fly now," Divann said, making excuses for his pathetic new friend.

"Actually, I can't use Fly. I know Leech Seed and Sleep Powder, though!" Hoppip boasted.

An awkward silence followed this admission as we all struggled to resist beating the shit out of the stupid pollen fuck.

"Anyway, we need to find the gym," Tilly segued badly. Trübludton was pretty simply laid out. There was a swamp where they reenacted scenes from the TV show True Blood but other than that there wasn't much more: just the usual PokéCenter and Wal-Mart. The gym, however, wasn't as conspicuous as we'd thought and any attempt we made to ask a local proved to be futile due to their never leaving character. We must've met like twenty different Sookies, each one more gap-toothed than the last. Finally we saw what appeared to be a bait and tackle store done up like those old wooden bayou general stores, except the word "gym" was written on the top.

"Is that the gym?" Hoppip asked. I couldn't believe we had actually found someone stupider than Tilly, Lopunny, Divann, and Golett (may he rest in peace).

"Uh duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I said wittily and Rianna rolled her eyes so far back they almost fell off. Hoppip was so stupid she just drooled and didn't even get our sarcasm. Idiot.

"Well, let's get in there!" Divann said and then we did go in there and inside it was like the outside only more inside-like with furniture and a rug and things that you usually find on the inside of a place. In the corner there was someone dressed up like a vampire who was all like, "Are you here to battle?" and we were all like, "Yes," so we started battling for the gym badge but first he introduced himself.

"My name is Ernie. You might think it's a girl's name but I'm a vampire and we're androgynous so it's ok."

"Uh, I'm pretty sure that's a guy's name anyway. Whatever, nevermind. Let's battle!" I said and then Rianna came out of her Pokéball and said all kinds of things like, "Rianna," and other things similar to that.

"Fine, let's get started," Ernie said then he threw his Pokéball and a Pawniard came out! "Go, Pawniard!" Ernie said, but it was too late due to Pawniard already being out of the Pokéball as I mentioned earlier.

"Pawniard," Pawniard joked and then he did a dance that was similar to the Macarena but it also had some of krumping in it which I thought was pretty cool. Rianna clearly didn't, though, since while he was performing she used Rock Smash and OHKO'd him. We were all kinda mad at her for interrupting but whatever; I was winning and that was all that mattered.

"Fine, now you'll have to face my Mightyena!" Ernie said and Mightyena came out and used Crunch and Rianna fainted.

"No!" I screamed and Rianna agreed so she came back to life and used Cherubeam for super-effective damage and almost KO'd Mightyena. Mightyena got mad at this and said something racist toward Rianna that I don't want to repeat but I could tell it was pretty bad since Rianna made me hold her earrings before she continued.

"Rianna, use Cherubeam again!" I screamed but she wasn't listening. They weren't even using attacks anymore; they were bare-knuckle fighting each other. Rianna jabbed Mightyena in the eye, pushing it back into his skull. Knowing his end was nigh, Mightyena used once last Crunch attack, but Rianna evaded it and Mightyena ended up biting his own tongue, slicing it clean through. He lay there, bleeding from most of the holes on his face and finally died.

"Good job, Rianna! Just one more to go!" Divann cheered. Rianna winked at him and blew him a kiss which I thought was pretty inappropriate but I would talk to her later about that.

"OK, well now it's time for my last Pokémon! Go, Golbat!" Ernie screamed and Golbat came screeching out of its Pokéball.

"What? Golbat?" I asked confusingly.

"Yeah, it's the town mascot so I use it." Ernie replied confidently.

"You can't because it's not a Dark type. You're a Dark-type gym. You lose." I said lawyerly.

"Aw man!" Ernie squirted and then he gave me the badge, "Here's the Blacky Badge!"

Tilly scoffed but I was like yay and Rianna gave me a high five and Golbat started crying. Hoppip cheered too but we ignored her because we hated her. I couldn't wait until Divann got a new Pokémon and we could finally get rid of that bitch.

Little did we know it was going to happen sooner than we thought.


	22. Flashback of a Fool

**10 years earlier…**

"Can't they work any faster?" Missy squealed to Jay, "My whip doesn't even seem to have any effect anymore."

"I know, they're getting stronger, it seems, but lazier. But then again what can you expect from people like that?" He joked sassily.

Tilly sat under the window outside the farmhouse listening to the atrocities spoken against her parents, Tarbabysha and Jayzee. Knowing that she couldn't confess what she had heard, she turned to her only friend at the time: a wild Weavile who had begun to treat Tilly as her own, given the resemblance.

As soon as Tilly would start sobbing, Weavile would come immediately to take Tilly's mind off the world. She taught Tilly how to speak, how to read, how to cook bacon and how to do cornrows. Tilly loved Weavile and Weavile loved Tilly.

Someone didn't love Weavile, though, but it wasn't Missy or Jay. It was Tarbabysha.

"Get away from my girl!" Tarbabysha would scream at Weavile, "She don't need none of your learnin' none."

"Weavile," Weavile would protest, but ultimately even a sound argument such as that would fail against the uneducated ranting of a impotent mother.

Tilly knew Weavile had to go, but nothing could prepare her for the day it happened.

Tilly was plowing the fields when Missy moseyed up to her. The crunching of the dry soil beneath her master's boots distracted her from her work but she pretended not to notice, hoping she'd leave her be. She didn't. Tilly peered up, shielding her eyes from the blazing sun that charred her skin, and saw that in Missy's hand was a whip.

"I haven't done anything, Miss Missy," Tilly urged.

"That's right. You haven't. And neither have your good-for-nothing parents. That's all any of you people ever do: nothing. And now it's time for you to pay for their sins."

The whip raised high above her head and Tilly looked down out of fear and out of confusion as to why life had dealt her such a fate. She heard a crack but felt no pain. Was she dead? Unsure, she peered again into the blinding sun and saw a black paw gripping Missy's forearm.

"Weavile!" Tilly squealed, relieved and worried for her best friend.

"Weavile," Weavile responded defiantly.

"Weavile?" Missy asked.

"Weavile," Weavile confirmed.

Missy simply giggled and gave a nod to someone unseen. From behind the barn Jay came running with a shovel. Startled, Weavile tried to flee but to no avail. Once again Tilly heard a crack but felt no pain. Weavile, however, wasn't so lucky. All was still for a moment save for the manic chuckling of Jay, then suddenly and grotesquely, Weavile's head hit the ground, leaving her body still standing, a nightmarish scarecrow in a barren field.

"Weavile!" Tilly cried. Missy and Jay just giggled and went back to the farmhouse.

That night Tilly couldn't sleep. Her tears flowed undammed, waking her parents.

"Damn you, Tilly. We're trying to get some shut-eye before Miss Missy comes to get us for morning chores."

"Sorry, pa." Tilly pipped.

"Aight now," Tarbabysha comforted then lay down again to sleep.

Tilly wasn't ready for sleep, though. She was ready for action. Tilly sneaked up to the farmhouse and up to Missy and Jay's son's room. She peered in the window and saw him sound asleep, not a care in the world.

"White devil," Tilly thought as she smashed the pane and scurried inside. The boy stirred and opened his eyes to see a dark figure above him.

"Mommy?" The boy asked.

"Yes, dear," Tilly answered as she swung the bat down on his face.

Crack!

No pain.

Tilly escaped through the window and back to the barn to lie soundly for the time being. What tomorrow brought couldn't be worse for her than it would be for Missy and Jay. Sadly she would live to regret that thought.

"Get up!" Missy screamed.

"What's going on?" Jayzee asked.

"You know exactly what's going on. You know what you did and now you have to pay." Jay said angrily.

"What do you mean?" Tarbabysha cried and Missy walked up to her with a bat, the same bat used to beat her son.

"It won't help you to act stupider than you are!" Missy screamed as the bat slammed against Tilly's mother's head.

Tilly cried, "It was me!"

"Don't be a fool!" Jayzee yelled to his daughter. He realized what was going on but knew he couldn't let his daughter bear the brunt of it.

"Yes, girl, don't be a fool," Jay agreed as he swung for her father. Within moments all was quiet except for the soft tears of Tilly.

"We'll let you decide what to do with the bodies," Missy said coldy.

"You're just lucky our son didn't die," Jay added and they both left the barn.

Tilly sobbed for seemingly hours before closing her mother's eyes and covering them both with their favorite blankets. Tilly knew that if she started running now she'd be able to escape, but there was one thing she had to do first.

"Hello, is this child protective services?" Tilly asked to the operator.

"Yes, do you have a problem?"

"I'd like to report a case of child abuse. A boy I know was beaten by his parents with a bat."

"What's the boys name?" The operator asked.

Tilly paused for a moment.

"Divann."


	23. Shine Bright Like a Carnivine

"Look up ahead!" Tilly cried, "It's the river we tried to cross from Spooky City!"

"Yeah, I knew that," I answered because it was so obvious. I couldn't believe she would try to point something out that everyone knew, probably even you despite you not even being able to see what she was gesturing to.

"If we had just been able to cross then we already would've been here!" She observed stupidly.

"Yeah, but then I'm sure you all would've missed out on some adventures!" Hoppip chirped. Divann looked pissed.

"Shut up, Hoppip," Rianna sassed and we all laughed. Rianna was so sassy, damn. She winked at me as though she had heard what I was thinking. So goddamn sassy, she was.

"Anyway, if we follow this river upstream we'll hit the next town in no time, but there is a forest nearby that's said to have some rare Pokémon if you want to check it out," Tilly said.

"What, are you a history teacher now?" I laughed, "What a nerd!" We all laughed at her until she covered her eyes and started to run away, crying.

"Drama queen!" Divann observed astutely.

"Well, we should probably go follow her," I determined, "She's heading toward that forest and I don't really want to deal with all the Caterpie and shit there."

We followed Tilly as she cried and cried, but as soon as we caught up with her something happened.

"What's happening!" Divann screamed.

"I don't know, but it's definitely something!" Tilly screamed back.

As soon as something had finished happened we realized that, in fact, nothing really had happened. It was just an illusion.

"That was just an illusion, you idiots," I offered.

"But then who created it?" Divann asked.

"SHE DID!" I screamed and pointed my wand at a floating grassy nymph, "It was Celebi!"

"Celebi!" Celebi said and panicked and tried to get away, but I grabbed her before she could, threatening to pluck one of her antennae.

"Fine," Celebi relented, "I can speak your human devil language, but I'm only doing this so you can help me."

"Why would we want to help you?" I asked.

"Um, I don't know," Celebi answered.

"C'mon, guys, let's blow this popsicle stand," I said not-clichély because in this universe that phrase had never been used.

"We really should help, though, Xylark. It's what Golett would've wanted," Divann pleaded.

"Ugh, fine, but I highly doubt that's what he really would've wanted and if you try to use that excuse one more time I'm going to slap the fuck out of you," I said kindly, "What's your problem, Celebi?"

"Well, there's this evil Pokémon deep in the forest that's been terrorizing my Pokéfriends. Can you kill it please?" Celebi aksed sexily.

"Ok," I answered and then Celebi brought us to the field where the Pokémon was and was all like, "There it is," so then we were like, "Ok," and then started to try to battle it.

"Wow, what a cool Pokémon!" Divann observed. The evil Pokémon in question was a Carnivine, but not just any Carnivine: it was shiny. "Let's just weaken it so I can catch it, guys!" Divann screamed.

"I know, I'll use Sleep Powder!" Hoppip offered, "I think it'd be nice to have another Pokémon on our team, Divann!"

"Uh, sure," Divann answered, shifting his eyes around.

"Rianna, use Angel Swipes of Falsities!" I screamed. It was like False Swipe but Angel-type and so the Carnivine died basically but still had one HP left.

"Carnivine," Carnivine begged, but Divann didn't care about what it was saying. Hoppip squirted out some sleep goo all over it and it went night-night pretty immediately. Divann pulled out a Great Ball he had found in a dumpster because we hadn't been to a shop since Minaj Town, really, and threw it at the sleeping vine.

After about a second it was caught.

"Yay!" Divann shouted, "I finally have a cool Pokémon!"

"Although that might hurt my feelings, Divann, I'm glad we can continue on and become friends!" Hoppip added. Divann just stared at her.

"No, I'm releasing you," he said bluntly and smashed her Pokéball with a rock, "Don't even fucking talk to me ever again."

"Wah," Hoppip cried and flew away.

"Thanks for your help, guys!" Celebi cheered, "That Pokémon had been causing us all sorts of trouble! In return for getting rid of it, I'll go ahead and transport you to the next town!"

"Neato!" Tilly said.

"Wicked!" Divann shrieked.

"What is this, 1989?" I asked sexily.

"Jump into the teleporter I've created, guys," Celebi offered. We all approached the blue light, took a deep breath, and hopped in.


	24. Pokémon Center Panic

Bubbles were all around me. Not just water bubbles, either. Sparkle bubbles and fire bubbles too, but those didn't hurt like fire. Like, you know how fire is hot and when it touches you it sometimes hurts like a burn or something due to the fact it's hot? Well, these fire bubbles did not have the same reaction. There were also some green bubbles too but I don't really know what to I could relate those too. Maybe farts? Farts aren't green, though, usually. And by usually I mean ever. Only in cartoons and stuff are farts green, but why is that? Why green of all colors? You'd think brown because of poop, but maybe people choose green because sometimes poop is green too.

Anyway, I was surrounded by bubbles and this was due to jumping into that stupid Celebi's teleportation goop. If this didn't send us to the next town I was going to find my way back to the woods and rip the eyeballs right out of that fucking forest guardian. Luckily after about five seconds of being surrounded by the bubble junk, we landed in the middle of a town square.

"What town is this?" I asked angrily. I was still so upset by the bubble situation.

"I dunno," Tilly answered helpfully. She was so super helpful it was like she was straight from that movie The Help and in more ways than one if you know what I mean. "But it sure is beautiful!"

She was right for once, really. All the buildings were pink and sparkly like Nicki Minaj hair and there were heart streetlamps and glittery shit like that everywhere.

"Here comes the town greeter," Divann pointed out in order to help introduce the town name into the story since for once not one of us knew it.

A fat guy dressed in all pink with red suspenders skipped up to us and said, "Welcome to Lover's Grotto!" He handed us all heart lollipops and then started singing that one Taylor Swift song about love as he danced away.

"Oh, Lover's Grotto! I've heard of this place!" Tilly bellowed.

"No shit, that guy just said it," I answered cunningly, giving a wink to Rianna. I had gotten her good this time. Everyone laughed except for Carnivine because he was still asleep and at one HP.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about Carnivine! Quick let's get to the Pokémon Center before it's too late!" Divann started to cry. Suddenly the camera began to shake and high-tempo string music started playing. Time was running out, that was for sure, but we tried to keep our hope alive as we sprinted toward the clinic.

"Carnivine," Carnivine started, lapsing in and out of its coma.

"I can't lose you now, Carnivine. Not after all we've been through!" Divann's tears weren't helping now, though. The only thing that could save his best friend was through these Pokécenter doors.

"Good evening! You're out late," The nurse behind the counter said cheerfully. Not only was it mid-afternoon but also her general demeanor seemed to indicate she hadn't yet grasped the severity of the situation at hand. She stared at us with dead eyes and continued, "Welcome to our POKÉMON CENTER."

The drastic and unnecessary increase in volume for the last two words shocked me. What was happening? Why was she screaming now? Her face appeared unchanged, however, which was more disturbing than anything.

"Please, you have to help…" Divann started, but was cut off by the nurse.

"We can heal your POKÉMON to perfect health," she persisted, fluctuating her voice again between mechanical and maniacal. We all cringed in anticipation for her next words, "Shall we heal your POKÉMON?"

"Ahhhh!" Everyone screamed upon hearing her final shriek. Well, everyone except me because if you remember I don't get scared of anything ever. Divann started to answer but before he could form any sort of phoneme the nurse held up a dry erase board with two words on it:

YES

NO

Divann stared at the board for a moment. What was all this? How could this woman speak in caps lock? She stared blankly ahead, holding the board without twitching a muscle. Divann slowly raised his arm and pointed to YES. The board disappeared immediately as if by magic.

"OK, may I see your POKÉMON?" The nurse queried. Before Divann even had time to react, Carnivine had already disappeared into his ball which itself vanished before appearing on that medical Pokémon machine thing that's in the Pokémon Centers.

A little tune played and Tilly was like, "This is my jam," and started to try to dance but the tune was only like five notes long and didn't even have any bass so I don't know what the fuck she was trying to do. Whatever, this wasn't about her. We had to find out if Carnivine was OK after all.

"Thank you for waiting," the nurse said with a normal cadence, "Your POKÉMON are fully healed. We hope to see you again,"

"Thank you!" Divann said, ignoring the nurse's general eeriness, "Come on out, Carnivine!" He literally exploded out of the Pokéball, saying sassy things like, "Carnivine," and, "Vine, vine." What a great day.

"So, now let's get back to me," I said once we exited the building, "I heard there's going to be a Luvdisc show down by the river tonight. We should go!"

"Oh, Lopunny and I kinda wanted to get to bed early. I don't think we've slept since leaving your hometown," Tilly whined. What a pussy. Even Rianna and Carnivine said they wanted to sleep too.

"Fine, we'll just go then," I said to Divann, "Just the two of us."

As we headed down to the river I noticed Divann was sweating. Little did I know what was waiting for us up ahead.


	25. Luvdisc Spectacular

By the time we got to the riverbanks I realized I had known the whole time what was waiting up ahead: the Luvdisc Showcase! I don't know why I had such a lapse in memory but I chalk it up to having not eaten anything this entire story. I had always been very thin like a model but now I was even thinner and sexier. I could tell Divann noticed because he always gave me compliments like, "You're very thin," and, "You should really eat something I'm worried about you." Even now I could see him staring at my clavicles lustily. I gave him a sexy wink as we made our way to some wooden log benches facing the riverbank.

The crowd was huge. There must've been at least a lot of people there waiting to see the show. I took notice of one sultry ginger a few seats down. I know those words are oxymoronic but something about him was exciting. He had red hair, of course, although it wasn't really red but more orange. I don't know why people call it red hair since it isn't red. It just isn't. His eyes were brown but he seemed like the kind of guy who would call them hazel. Very mysterious, he was. He was wearing clothes like that of a typical male person and I noticed he had shoes too. Wow. He was almost as seductive as me on a bad day.

"Who's that?" I asked Divann even though I knew there was no way he would know him. I just wanted to point out that there was someone cuter than him he so he'd better step up his game.

"I don't know but I don't trust him," Divann ejected angrily.

"Why? Just because he's got a birth defect doesn't mean he's a bad person," I couldn't believe how intolerant Divann was being. One time in my town I held a tolerance rally and everyone voted me as the most tolerant person. I wasn't about to let this little queer sully that title.

"Where's them Luvdiscs at, then?" The mysterious coppertop called out in an exotic accent, "I want to see me some Luvdiscs, ya?"

Suddenly a spotlight came out of nowhere and shone on the water. A beautiful mermaid that looked like Lady Gaga in the "Yoü and I" video rose from the depths, being held in the air by a pair of Luvdisc who looked like they were wearing eye shadow.

"Welcome, everyone, to the annual Luvdisc Showcase! I'm your hostess Mermasia the Mermaid!" She splashed her fin and we all cheered for her. She took a look around the audience and gave me a wink, saying, "Wow, we have so many beautiful people here tonight but you are surely the most beautiful, Xylark!" I acted like I was flattered, but what she said was so obvious I was blushing more out of embarrassment for her, "And who is your date, Xylark?"

"His name is Divann but it's not a date," I said, seductively swaying my body around and making sensual faces at the redhead. I heard Divann start to cry like usual. What a baby.

"Wonderful!" Mermasia snickered, "Let's start the show!"

"I love Luvdisc!" I whispered to Divann but he didn't say anything back. What was his problem?

The first act of the show was pretty horrible. The Luvdisc tried to display battling skills but they ended up mostly hurting themselves and one of them threw up, I think, and I didn't even know Pokémon did that. There was one shiny Luvdisc in the group that I noticed for some reason, but every time I tried to wave to it, it would totally not wave back. I wasn't about to let that kind of rudeness go unnoticed.

The second act was worse than the first: stand-up comedy. None of the jokes even made any sense and they were mostly all about being a fish which I don't think most people could relate to except me since I used to volunteer taking care of sick baby fish back home. One Luvdisc even tried to do impressions. Embarrassing. The only Luvdisc that didn't go up to the stage was the shiny one. I waved again and once more was ignored. One more strike to go.

The last act wasn't so awful. It was some kind of Cirque du Soleil thing but with only Luvdisc and no makeup and no music and no acrobatics and nothing interesting. Finally the show was over and Mermasia came back out of the water.

"Did everyone enjoy our show?" She asked excitedly.

"Yay," said everyone in a cheering manner. Everyone except me, of course. I looked over to where the ginger had been but he wasn't even there anymore. I didn't blame him for leaving, though.

"Thank you for coming, everyone! Goodbye! Wave goodbye, all my Luvdiscs!" She descended slowly into the water with all the Luvdiscs, waving. Except one. That damn orange shiny Luvdisc didn't wave at me again. That was it. I walked up to the riverbank in a rage.

"What's your malfunction, bitch?" I asked calmly, "Did you not see me wave to you back there?"

"Luvdisc luv," it said and then suddenly it jumped out of the water and transformed into the same ginger-haired ruffian I had been eyeing earlier.

"It was you!" I said as though I hadn't known it all along. It was so obvious I couldn't believe he thought I was going to be surprised by it.

"Yeah it's me," he moaned, "I didn't say anything earlier because I knew we couldn't be together due to me being a Luvdisc who can turn into a person for some reason."

"And?" I said, waiting.

"And what?" He retorted.

"And you're sorry…"

"Oh, yeah, of course. I'm sorry," he apologized.

"Good. All right then, well I guess I better get back to my friend." I said sadly.

"Wait, before you go take this," he screamed and held out his hand to reveal the third Yellow Diamond.

"Oh cool," I said coolly and took the stone. On the way home Divann still wasn't talking to me.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked empathetically.

"Nothing, I just thought… Nothing," he cried.

"Ha, well that's usually what you think, right? Nothing?" I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants but I didn't even though it was really funny. The weird part was Divann didn't even crack a smile. I was going to have to tell Tilly to figure out what was wrong with him because I didn't have time; I finally had the third Yellow Diamond and I couldn't wait to see what Rianna would do next.


	26. Britney and the Icky Badge

"Look what I got, Rianna!" I screamed erotically, "It's the third Yellow Diamond!"

"Meow," she replied, winking her glittery eyeball salaciously.

"We had such a fun night," Tilly offered even though she hadn't been asked, "We watched Oprah and painted our fingernails and…"

"Tilly, please, I don't care," I interrupted politely, "Didn't you hear what I said? I found a Yellow Diamond!"

"Oh, that's great, Xylark! You're so smart," She said as if that hadn't already been made abundantly clear, "Did you have fun, Divann?"

"I guess," he said dramatically and then slumped down on the ground like a worm.

"Wow, dramatic much?" I asked wittily, watching him squirm around depressedly, "Get up, loser. We have to get my 6th gym badge! Did you find out where it was, Tilly?"

"Yeah, it's in an abandoned airplane down the road. Look, there it is now!"

The airplane looked like an airplane except it was purple and sparkly and had a sign on it indicating that it was, in fact, a gym.

"I think I'll stay here, guys," Divann whined, "I'm afraid of flying."

"Jesus fuck, Divann, that doesn't even make sense," I couldn't even look at him I was so frustrated by his stupidity, "Ugh, never mind. Tilly, Rianna, Lopunny, let's go." We boarded the plane and the inside was even more purple and sparkly than the outside. There didn't seem to be anyone around, though.

"Maybe they're closed," Tilly suggested but that was stupid even though I had been thinking the same thing. The mere act of her thinking it as well somehow made the idea implausible. Before I could insult her, though, lights came on in the back of plane and music started.

"Is that…" Tilly started, but I stopped her before she could finish.

"Yes, Tilly. It's 'Toxic' by Britney Spears," I whispered.

Suddenly, with a whir, a flight attendant in a shiny blue uniform with some bodacious cleavage burst out from behind the curtains.

"It's Britney, bitch," she said flirtatiously.

"Ahhhh!" I screamed. I loved Britney.

"Are ya'll here to battle, ya'll?" She asked sophisticatedly.

"Yeah! And you're going down, bitch," Tilly said. I couldn't believe she just disrespected Britney like that but I'd have to deal with her later. Right now it was time to make this bitch go down.

"All right, ya'll! Go, Stinky!" She sang badly as she threw a Master Ball into the air. Wow, it must be a pretty powerful Pokémon if she had to use that kind of ball to capture it. BLOOP! The Master Ball opened and a Stunky burped out onto the ground.

"Stunky," Stunky said.

"Hi, Stinky!" Britney said, waving to Stunky.

"Ky, ky. Stunky," Stunky groaned. Britney giggled and a fart slipped out. Jesus Christ, this was pathetic.

"All right, Rianna," I commanded, "Use Angelic Blast!"

Rianna jumped up and twirled, singing a few lines of Toxic along with the song. Britney glared jealously since Rianna was a much better singer than her. Suddenly a blast in the shape of an angel shat down to Stinky the Stunky, exploding him immediately.

"OMG, ya'll! Ya'll killed my little Stinky!" Britney cried, "But that's OK! Go Vileplume!" Another Master Ball flung out of Britney's plump hand.

"Why do you only use Master Balls?" I asked her curiously.

"Oh, I'm not very good at battling, ya'll, so I just use Master Balls because it's easiest," she drooled, "Vileplume, use Fire Beam!"

Vileplume just stood there, confused. I didn't have the heart to tell Britney that not only did Vileplume not learn Fire Beam, but it wasn't even a real attack. I suddenly felt bad for her. Not bad enough to let her win, though.

"You know what to do, Rianna! Use Swords Dance!" Swords popped out of Rianna's fur and she started dancing to the beat. Britney stared angrily again because my girl was also a much better dancer than her. She was so amazing, wow. I screamed, "Now, Rianna! Use Zen Headbutt!"

"Quick, Vileplume, use Detect!" Britney squealed.

"Vileplume?" Vileplume asked.

"Vileplume, she means Protect," I offered and she nodded. A blue screen went up in front of the flower Pokémon, shielding her from the attack. I'd get her next turn so I figured why not help the poor thing out.

"All right, one more time, Rianna!" She sprang up and then killed Vileplume.

"Harsh, ya'll!" Britney squirted, "All right, one more! Go Nidoqueen!" The Master Ball opened but no Pokémon came out. Britney looked confused, screaming, "Nidoqueen! Where are ya'll? Come back here and stuff!"

Tilly pulled me aside and said, "Xylark, a Nidoqueen was staying at the hotel last night. She looked bad and smelled like vodka but she wasn't drunk. She said she was running away."

I felt sad standing there watching the fallen pop star look in the overhead compartments for her Nidoqueen as though one could even fit in there. You wouldn't even be able to bring her as a carry-on if this were a real flight.

"Umm, Britney, I think your Nidoqueen ran away," I said comfortingly.

"Oh, well that explains where she is, doesn't it!" She sang cheerfully. At least her stupidity kept her from being truly hurt, "Well I guess you beat me then, ya'll! Here's the Icky Badge!"

"Neat-o!" I said retroly, taking the smelly badge into my hand. I was afraid to ask where it had been all this time. As we said goodbye to Britney we saw her trying to feed Cheetos to her Vileplume.

"Should we call somebody? The Pokémon Protective Services?" Tilly asked once we were outside.

"Nah," I responded, "I'm just excited to tell Divann who the gym leader was. He's gonna be so jealous!"

When we got to the place we were supposed to meet him, though, we saw he wasn't alone.


	27. Hometown Plot Device

As we approached Divann and the mysterious figure, who we now could see was wearing a big plush Charizard costume that obscured most of his face from view, Tilly called out to Divann.

"Hey, you'll never guess who the gym leader was!" she yelled to him. When the Charizard man heard her, he ran away in a manner very unlike any Charizard actually would since they probably would just fly away.

"Who was that?" I asked Divann detectively, "And why did he just run away?"

"Xylark, don't be stupid, that was a Charizard," Tilly suggested like the idiot that she was. I decided I'd just let her continue believing her fantasy.

"I don't know," Divann started, "He just came up to me right before you came back. He was asking a lot of questions about Tilly, though."

"Eww, who cares about her?" I giggled and Rianna winked and gave me a high five. Even Lopunny high fived us and started making fun of Tilly. What a dweeb she was. I could tell she wanted to say a comeback but she knew better than to step to me like that.

"What did he ask?" she asked in an asking manner.

"I dunno, just your name and age and where you came from. Don't worry, though, I told him everything," Divann comforted.

"What! You can't be tellin' strangers all my shit, damn," Tilly ghettoed at Divann.

"Sorry," he apologized, "So anyway who was the gym leader?"

"No time for that now, Divann," I said, "I'm getting a phone call from my mom!" I pulled out my cute purple iPhone 5 that was custom-made for me by Steve Jobs right before he died. My mom used to date him and he said I was like the son he never had so he always used to give me all the newest Apple products before anyone else even saw them.

"Hi, Xylark!" Mom screamed in ecstasy, "I miss you! Where are you now?"

"Hi, Mom! We're in Lover's Grotto now. I just got my 6th badge!"

"Wow, cool. You're so cool. I'm so proud of you. But who's 'we'?" she queried questioningly.

"Me and my two new friends, Tilly and Divann. They're pretty cool but they're not very good at battling or keeping up with intelligent dialogue. They're better than nothing, though."

"We can hear you, you know," Tilly said as though I hadn't realized that.

"Well, that's great, honey," Mom cried, "But you know you forgot your moisturizer at the house."

"OMG that's where it's been! I've been looking for it everywhere but I wasn't too worried since my skin is flawless naturally. I'll come by and pick it up, though. Can you send Lugia to get us?"

"Sure, dear, see you soon! Bye!" She hung up.

"Wow, you know Lugia?" Divann asked, clearly impressed by our connections.

"Yeah, duh, it's only like my mom's best friend," I said modestly, "Oh look, there it is now. Let's go!"

"Lugia," Lugia said and then we all climbed on its back and started the flight home.

"I'm so excited to see your town!" Tilly and Divann chirped. Duh, they were. After like an hour we were there. A huge crowd was there with signs and cheerleaders and Maroon 5 was even there playing a concert.

"Welcome to Xylark Town!" the mayor said as we exited Lugia.

"What? Xylark Town?" I asked, "You named the town after me?"

"Yes, of course," my mom said and gave me a hug, "We realized we hadn't even named the town yet so we figured it might as well be named after its most talented and famous citizen!"

"Wow, cool," I said humbly and then ignored everyone who had come to see me and went home with my mom, Tilly, Divann, and the assorted Pokémon that accompany us but don't often speak. I noticed Mom eyeing Tilly.

"Hey, aren't your parents dead?" she asked tactfully.

"Um, yes," Tilly began.

"Oh, I thought that was you! You're Missy and Jay's old slave! How've you been, dear?" Mom questioned cheerfully, pouring her a glass of tea.

"How do you know Missy and Jay?" I interrupted, "They've been stalking us this whole time trying to get Tilly back."

"Well, everyone knew Missy and Jay. They're awful people. It's too bad there aren't any anti-slavery laws or else we would've tried to help you. At least their son got taken away, though," Mom reminisced, "It's a shame they killed your parents. Tarbabysha could make a mean biscuit."

"Son? I – I forgot about their son," Tilly started, "I can't remember his name, though."

"It was something gay," Mom offered tolerantly, "Kinda girly but weird at the same time."

"Well, that doesn't really help us much, Mom, but thanks," I said, rolling my eyes so hard they almost exploded.

"I think I'm going to go look around town for a bit," Tilly whispered, clearly lost in thought.

"I'll come too!" Divann squirted. They both left, taking their respective Pokémon with them. I couldn't help but wonder if my mom wasn't telling me everything.

"Mom, I'm getting the feeling you aren't telling me everything," I said in accordance to my previous thought from the last paragraph.

"Well, there's just something strange. I seem to remember there being another child," she pondered, "But I didn't want to bring it up since I wasn't sure."

"Another child of Missy and Jay's?" I asked.

"No, of the slaves'," she trailed off, "I don't know, Xylark. I'm not smart like you so I can't remember all that stuff. If I think of anything I'll call you, though."

"All right, well I'll get my moisturizer and then we'll go," I said, giving her a big hug and kiss. She blushed girlishly.

"Oh, and honey?" she said, "I know Divann isn't as good-looking or athletic or intelligent as you, but I think he's got a good heart. You should give him a chance!"

"Ugh, fine," I acquiesced, "Bye, Mom!"

We boarded Lugia, moisturizer in hand, ready to head back to Lover's Grotto, when suddenly we saw something in the sky.

"It's him!" Divann cried, "Charizard!"

He was right for once! Above us, riding on a real Charizard, was the Charizard man. Had he been watching us this whole time? As soon as he saw us looking he flew off.

"Quick, Lugia! Follow that Charizard!" I screamed and Lugia was all like OK fine and then we flew off in pursuit of the mysterious furry. Oh, how I loved a good hot pursuit.

Tilly, however, couldn't shake the feeling that everything had suddenly changed.


	28. Charizard, Zard

"Hurry, Lugia! We've gotta catch up to him!" Tilly screamed as though Lugia would listen to her.

"Lugia, hurry! We've gotta catch up to him!" I screamed and Lugia immediately sped up. It turned its head to look back at me and gave me a sultry wink. I could tell right then Rianna was pissed.

"Where do you think he's going?" Divann asked out loud for everyone to hear and potentially respond to even though it was a pointless question since we'd find out soon enough. I, however, already knew exactly where he was going.

"I know exactly where he is going," I said scholarly, "To Jigglypuff Bluff! Home of the 7th badge!"

"That's convenient!" Tilly squipped pincaciously. We followed the Charizard man for only like 10 more minutes and then he landed on the road leading into the beautiful pink sparkly town of Jigglypuff Bluff. Lugia stealthily landed right next to him, surprising him almost to death.

"Boo!" I said jokingly even though I was pretty sure I intimidated him anyway. For the past few weeks I had been going to the gym building mass so I was pretty buff by this point.

"Ahh," the man in the Charizard jumper squeaked, "So you've found me at last."

"It wasn't hard. You've been following us and you're wearing a Charizard costume and you've been riding around on a Charizard. What do you want with us?" I questioned.

"Nothing. It's best you leave. I can take care of things myself," he said confidently, in a manner suspiciously like that of a black man.

"Wait a minute," said Tilly before she ripped his hood off, revealing an ethnic face similar to hers.

"Gasp," Divann gasped, gasping.

"What's going on?" Tilly cried, "I'm supposed to be the only black person in the region."

"Tilly. I'm your brother," boy Tilly said.

"Whoa!" we all exclaimed and things got pretty dramatic for a moment and went to commercial break. When we returned we were still standing in the same place, mouths agape.

"Whoa!" we all repeated since sometimes on shows they'll repeat like the last few things said before the break when they come back from commercials as though the viewers have the worst memories in the world.

"What do you mean you're my brother?" Tilly asked, confused.

"I mean I'm your brother. My god, Tilly, I don't know how to explain it any clearer for you. I ran away right after you were born. My name is Zard," he confessed.

"Why did you run away?" Divann asked like an idiot.

"Uh, duhhh, I dunno," Zard mocked in a voice resembling Divann's but somehow even more annoying. I liked him immediately. I gave him my biggest sexy wink and blew a kiss at him and then stomped my feet. He noticed immediately and returned my sentiments. I had never been with a black guy before but once I dated a Cuban and he didn't really even smell that bad. I was hoping I could be two for two with that one.

"So what's your deal, boy?" he said to me ironically since he had been a slave and being called boy was probably derogatory for him.

"Nothing," I giggled aphrodisiatically. I noticed Divann start whimpering in the corner. Nothing was going to keep me from my dark chocolate cocoa puff, though.

"Anyway," Tilly continued, glaring at me like she was mad at me for interrupting or something, "What are you doing here now? Why did you try to find me?"

"I'm going to kill Missy and Jay for what they did to our parents," he said in a stereotypically angry manner, "But I don't know where they are."

"Oh, girl, we have a map," I said coolly and then showed him the map and he was like super thankful.

"Wow, it looks like their hideout is just North of Jigglypuff Bluff!" he peeped excitedly, "Tilly, I know it might be a lot to deal with for you, but you can come with me if you like."

"I just want to know how you could leave us," Tilly said seriously.

"I didn't want to. Ma made me. That lady Missy had just gotten pregnant so Ma knew she was going to be even angrier than usual. She said me leaving was the only way for me to be safe. I've survived thanks to my best friend, Charizard," he winked.

"Charizard," Charizard nodded.

"Yeah, my mom said something about there being a kid," I recalled seductively, "Do you know his name?"

"It was something really gay. That's all I remember," he said somberly.

"Well, let's get to that hideout!" Divann screamed as loudly as possible.

"Jesus, no, wow, calm down," I meowed, "First let's get me a badge! I heard the gym here is run by a Pokémon!"

"Wow, I've never heard of such a thing!" Tilly said excitedly, "I wonder what kind it is!"

"Neat! Can I come along?" Zard asked and touched my face with the back of his hand softly, breathing audibly.

"Sure," I squirted.

So with a new friend we set out for the 7th badge and to finally confront Tilly's dark past. No pun intended.


	29. Jigglypuff Bluff and the Boo Badge

While walking through the bouncy streets of Jigglypuff Bluff, I couldn't help but stare at Zard. His skin was like a melted Nestlé Crunch bar and his muscles were noticeable but nonthreatening like Khloé Kardashian's. His eyes were the color of fireworks and were shaped like basketballs but less round and more elliptical with the sides tapering out at the ends like a football. Whenever he gazed at me I began to feel weak like a woman's arms, but I had to remember to stay strong and maintain my seductive power over him. His afro was as big as the sun and reminded me of a hairy Tangela that had fallen in soot. With every step it bounced and my heart skipped a beat. On a scale of one to ten with one being Divann pre-makeover and ten being me on a bad day, he was a solid eight. He would be mine.

"There's the gym!" shrieked Divann, whipping me out of my daydream like the bitch that he was. I was seriously getting tired of his shit, meaning I'd probably try ditching him after we had taken care of Team Purity.

The gym was big and round and rubber and shaped like a Jigglypuff except it had spooky red eyes.

"Wow, this gym is spooky," Zard noted and I saw him start to shake a little. I put my hand on his head and wiggled it.

"Don't be afraid! It's not a real Jigglypuff! It's just a building," I winked so hard my eyelids overlapped.

"Phew, that's good," Zard breathed. His fear was endearing unlike Divann's incessant crying which was horrible and awful and the worst.

We entered the gym but the inside was more like a haunted house than like the cute pink sparkles of the rest of the town. A strange wind blew through the room and suddenly a spotlight came on, pointing to the center of the arena where a lone Pokémon stood.

We were shocked.

"Golett?" Divann screamed in an asking way, "Is it you? But how?"

"Yes, it's me," Golett responded, "After I killed myself I became a ghost and decided to open up a gym here in Jigglypuff Bluff. I'd always fancied being a gym leader instead of a fighter."

"But you were already a ghost! Why didn't you tell me you were alive?" Divann whined. Wow. I was here trying to get my badge and once again Divann was making this about himself. Typical.

"I'm not alive. Like I said I'm a ghost. I was a Ghost type before but now I'm just the spirit of a Ghost type. I really don't understand how you're confused by this," Golett sassed.

"Yeah, Divann, it's pretty obvious what's happening here," Tilly added which was almost as shocking as the rest of the shit going on because she was pretty stupid.

"Well, I wouldn't want to miss the chance to battle my old trainer but I also know that Xylark deserves a badge, so let's make this a double battle. Zard why don't you come join me," Golett suggested, winking at Zard. I noticed Lopunny starting to cry tears of sadness in the corner but her former lover pretended not to notice her at all.

"Sure! I love battling!" Zard said enthusiastically, killing the tone, "Go, Charizard!"

"Go, Haunter!" Golett commanded as Divann and I sent out Carnivine and Rianna.

"Ri anna!" Rianna sang angrily at Charizard. I knew she was jealous of the connection between me and Zard but she was going to have to suck it up and stop being such a twat.

"Haunter, use Hypnosis on Carnivine!" Golett screamed.

Divann countered, "Quick, use Sucker Punch!"

Wow. What an idiot. Obviously the move failed and Carnivine fell asleep.

"Rianna, use Carnivine as a shield and start using Love Angel Music Dance!" I shouted into her face. Love Angel Music Dance was like Quiver Dance except it was Angel type and it doubled the stats instead of increasing them by 150%. Rianna ducked behind Carnivine's shiny ugly face as it was blasted by Shadow Ball after Shadow Ball.

"Let's get rid of this punk, Charizard," Zard mooed, "Use Fire Blast!"

Charizard lifted up its head into the sky and blew a big thing of fire that was shaped like a Japanese symbol all over Carnivine, killing it on contact. Divann had been beaten by his own dead former Pokémon. I lol'd silently to myself.

"That's cool, Rianna, just use Angelic Ball on Haunter and then use Pebble Flick on Charizard and we should be good," I suggested but she already knew what to do. Pebble Flick wasn't technically an official Pokémon move; it consisted mostly of Rianna throwing a small piece of gravel at Charizard, presumably OHKO'ing it. It did.

"No, Charizard!" Zard shouted and he glared at me. Oh. Ouch. His eyes burned right through my face. I felt bad, but not bad enough to lose. I would never lose.

"Haunter, use Shadow Ball before she has a chance to strike!" Golett commanded, sweating, but it was too late. By the time the words had exited his mouth Rianna had already killed Haunter. The battle was over. I had won.

"Well, good job as usual, Xylark," Golett said with a wink, "Here's your Boo Badge."

"Rad!" I said radly. Divann didn't get a badge of course since he didn't accomplish anything. Before we left Golett stopped us.

"Wait, Lopunny," he started, staring down at his little weird ghost feet, "If you want you should call me sometime."

"Eww," Lopunny giggled before hopping away.

"Oh, snap!" we all shouted, laughing and pointing at Golett. Even Divann got in on the action at which point we stopped because it had suddenly become uncool. The two exchanged a hug and we left the building, ready to kill Missy and Jay once and for all.

"All right, Xylark," Zard said, slapping me on my ear seductively, "Get out that map! We got some racists to burn!"

We all laughed and laughed, skipping off toward the hideout with murder in our hearts.


	30. Revenge is a Dish Best Served Tilly

Not more than five minutes after leaving Jigglypuff Bluff we stumbled across a giant, typical-looking castle with a big sign on it that read, "Team Purity." There was a drawing under it of black people and gay people and the devil with lines going through each and angry faces painted next to them. I could tell Divann was getting worried which was stupid since he wasn't any of those things since bisexual doesn't really count as an orientation.

"Do you think this is it?" Tilly asked nervously.

"Are you serious?" I asked her, shaking my head. Was she serious?

"Well, here we go!" Zard screamed, commanding Charizard to burn down the huge wooden door. We headed inside but it turned out to be mostly empty except for a huge crucifix in the center. Missy and Jay sat on thrones in the back of the room with Shroomish lying on a plush pillow, his loud purrs echoing in the cavernous space.

"Well, well, well," Missy said, tapping her scepter loudly on the marble floor, "We knew you'd be coming soon"

"Yes, and we see you brought a friend. Good to see you again, Zard," Jay winked sexily. Oh, hell no, I know he wasn't trying to get up on my man.

"Tilly and I are here for revenge," Zard growled sensually, licking his lips over and over in slow motion.

"We figured as much," Missy laughed, "But it's too bad you won't get the chance."

"Why are you doing this to us? Why did you wait so long to try to get me back?" Tilly cried even though it was delaying the cool battle scene.

"Well after we saw the company you were keeping in Minaj Town, nostalgia kicked in and we thought it might be fun to have a few slaves running around again. But even we didn't think we'd be getting two for the price of one!" Jay answered honorably.

"What do you mean by, 'the company I was keeping?'" Tilly asked, confused as usual.

"Our son," Missy said bluntly, "Divann."

"Oh!" Divann said shockedly, "What?"

"What!" Tilly screamed.

"Oh!" Zard gasped.

"Are you guys kidding?" I said, "It was so obvious; just think about it. Both my mom and Zard said their kid had a gay name and what's the gayest name you know?"

Tilly pondered for a moment before realizing, "Divann!"

"But how?" Divann cried, "I was told my parents were dead!"

"No, child services just told you that as per our request," Jay said coolly.

"Why would you tell them that?" Divann whined annoyingly.

"Well once that brat Tilly called to get you taken away we realized it was a blessing from God. We could tell there was something wrong with you and it turns out we were right, you little queer," Missy sneered, "We didn't want a son like that."

"Enough chitchat," Jay squirted, "Go, Uxie!"

"Go, Mesprit!" Missy called.

Shroomish, finally awake from his nap, screamed, "And go, Azelf!"

The three pixies burst out of their Pokéballs and faced us. Charizard swooped in first with a Flamethrower, burning Uxie's gross ugly face and hair or whatever it was clean off. It was dead.

"Good job, Charizard!" Zard screamed and they high fived. It was so cute to see him touching Pokémon like that. I wanted him more than ever.

"Go, Lopunny!" Tilly boomed, "Use Switcheroo to give Azelf your Lagging Tail!" Lopunny did that and Azelf fell to the ground, looking all slow and stuff. Divann seized the opportunity by commanding Carnivine to Power Whip the shit out of it.

"Azelf!" Azelf screamed as it was split in half hotdog-style by the thick jungle vine. Carnivine started doing a dance that was like twerking but more elegant. I tried to holla at him but he couldn't hear me over the sound of Mesprit's attacks.

"Forget the Pokémon, Mesprit! Get the boy!" Missy shrieked. Unclear as to which boy to attack, Mesprit went after the first one it saw: Zard.

A ball of pink goo grew around Mesprit's face larger and larger until it was as big as a giant ball of pink goo. The lights started flickering as all the energy was sucked from the room into the mass. The air went still and everything went dark for a moment before the ball suddenly hurled toward its target.

"No!" I screamed, reaching for my chocolate love boy.

"Ah!" Zard screamed in fear as the psychic goo connected with his face. "I love you," he whispered and pointed to me, but in a flash of light he exploded, leaving behind only charred bits of skin and innards.

"Gross!" Tilly said and she ran crying toward his remains, hugging whatever she could find. "Now you've done it," she shrieked, running up to Mesprit with fire in her eyes. In one swift motion Tilly smacked Mesprit to the ground and dug the heel of her Louboutin pump into the little pixie's eye socket, piercing it's brain and killing it on contact.

"Well, good thing we brought backup," Jay chuckled as a monstrous Pokémon barged through the opposite wall. Glancing down at Rianna with tears in my eyes, I knew there was only one way to win this fight.


	31. The Final Solution

"Regigigas," the leviathan roared and I noticed Divann pee his pants a little. What a nerd. The giant stepped slowly toward us.

Rianna looked up at me, crying, even though I knew she wasn't sad Zard was dead because she was super jealous of the two of us. I pulled the third Yellow Diamond out of my Fendi bag and started rubbing her furiously.

"Rianna!" she screamed as her eyeballs fell out and disintegrated. A long, wavy weave with the color of a chestnut started to grow out of her scalp, nearly filling up the room. Her body elongated but retained its feline shape, growing more muscular with each passing moment. Her sparkly glitter fur turned jet black and her eyelids opened to reveal golden cat eyes like that of a panther. She lifted her head and roared powerfully, "Bi-yan Sei."

"Wow! She's beautiful!" Tilly screamed.

"Bi-yan Sei," Bi-yan Sei winked and started to sing a little which was really impressive because it sounded so good. I could tell even Regigigas was enjoying the performance.

"Enough messing around!" I screamed to my Angel/Ghost panther, "Use Celestial Blast!"

Regigigas tried to move to defend himself but he was too slow. The beam blew a hole right through his body.

"What's going on?" Jay screamed, "What's wrong with this legendary? It's not supposed to lose!"

"Slow Start," I said cryptically.

"What?" Missy asked in a drawn out way that suggested surprise as well as confusion.

"It means he's slow and weak like Tilly's mind," I answered sassily and winked as Tilly glared at me for some reason.

Regigigas tried to fire off a Giga Impact at Bi-yan Sei but she just dodged to the left, to the left as the colossus tripped and fell on his face.

"Lol," we all laughed and Regigigas started crying. Bi-yan Sei took the opportunity to work up a powerful Shadow Ball that rammed the giant's body straight into the ground. He struggled to get up before finally passing out, dead.

"Good job, Bi-yan Sei!" I squealed as I hopped onto her back. We flew a few circles around the castle while everyone from Jigglypuff Bluff applauded us. When we landed, though, things were far from over.

"This isn't over!" Tilly yelled as she ran toward Missy, gun drawn.

"Stop!" Divann shrieked, jumping in front of his parents.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Tilly snarled. I let her cuss this one time given the situation but I made a mental note to talk to her about it later.

"They're my parents! You can't kill them!" he squealed.

"They enslaved me and killed my entire family, Divann. Get out of the way or you're dying with them," she said through gritted teeth.

"But then you'll be just as bad as them!" he pleaded.

"No, stop being cliché. I'm in no way as bad as them at all. You're an idiot. Anyway, they didn't have to kill Zard!" she cried.

"Well, actually, we didn't mean for Mesprit to attack him. We wanted him as a slave, remember?" Missy said erotically.

"Then who did you mean?" Divann queried.

"You," Jay giggled.

"Fuck it, Tilly. Do it," Divann said coldly and moved out of the way.

"Wait!" Missy screamed as Tilly pulled the trigger. A small red hole appeared right between the racist's eyes, dripping blood. Her head flung backward and her sultry eyes glazed.

"Shit, no!" Jay pleaded but it was too late. Another shot fired and his brains exploded out the back of his skull. It was over.

"What about me?" Shroomish asked. He hated to be left out of things.

"I have different plans for you," Tilly said and she lit him on fire. His screams rang throughout the room as he ran around with his two tiny feet burning beneath him. Finally he fell to the floor and died.

"Nice!" I said and gave Tilly a high five and then one down low. This was the first cool thing she had ever done. We noticed Divann starting to cry in the corner as usual.

"Don't worry, Divann," I said nicely because I wanted him to stop being annoying, "They were homophobic racists. When you think about it, it's good your parents are dead, really."

For some reason that didn't cheer him up but we didn't have time to think about that; we had to get as far away from the crime scene as possible before the police showed up. Divann glanced back at his parents' lifeless bodies before we hopped on Bi-yan Sei and ran away. Only one badge was left before the Elite Four and I knew exactly where to get it.


	32. Lemon Lake

Bi-yan Sei charged on for miles as we sat in silence on her back, listening to her sing "Single Ladies" by the real Beyoncé. The deep meaning of the song made me think of my recent single status now that my true love, Zard, was dead. I had always been an independent person but I liked getting romantic gifts and sex, too. I mean, I usually got those anyway from my admirers but to get them from someone special was even better somehow. Who would I be with now? I glanced at Divann and remembered my mom saying that despite me being way out of his league I ought to give him a chance. I was used to doing charity work so maybe I could do this too.

A strange tension between Divann and Tilly had kept them from even making eye contact with each other throughout the trip, but I figured they were probably just on their periods and being emotional babies for that reason. Gay.

"Are we almost there? Where are we going anyway?" Tilly asked with blood still covering her face.

"There's a lake up ahead with an island in the middle. That's where the last badge is," I said encyclopedically.

A few minutes later we arrived at the shore of the biggest body of water in the region: Ricki Lake.

"I think I'm going to go swimming to wash your mom's blood off," Tilly said to Divann as she hopped off Bi-yan Sei's back. Divann rolled his eyes so hard his optic nerves almost detached. Too much sass. I was supposed to be the sassy one.

After she left for the water I stroked Bi-yan Sei with the Yellow Diamond again and she immediately transformed back to Rianna.

"Rianna," Rianna purred riannally, licking my face with her moist but rough tongue firmly. It tickled a little but I tried not to giggle in front of Divann due to his parents' recent deaths. I was sensitive like that.

"I don't know if I can keep going on with you guys," Divann said bluntly.

"OK," I said and gave Carnivine a hug goodbye.

"Wait, what?" Divann asked, annoyed for some reason, "Aren't you going to ask why?"

"Oh, sure, you can tell me if you'd like," I responded sympathetically.

He sighed, "I just don't know if I can forgive Tilly for killing Missy and Jay. I know they did a few maybe not-so-nice things in their lives and I know I also gave her permission to shoot them but I just don't think I can get over seeing their brains splat against the wall."

"Wow, is that really it? Like you said you told her she could do it. Wow you're just like a woman. No wonder your parents gave you away," I snarked. I told you I was the sassy one.

"But they didn't! Tilly got me taken away. Shh, wait. Here she comes," Divann pointed.

"What? You said you hate Tilly?" I said loudly so she could hear as she approached.

"Are you talking behind my back, Divann? You got a problem? What'd I ever do to you?" Tilly ghettoed.

"Why did you get me taken away from my parents?" Divann cried, "I've been homeless since I was four, living off of Oran berries and Leftovers. I would've killed myself had it not been for Golett. I could've had a normal life if you would've minded your own business!" He slapped her, crying like in a dramatic Lifetime movie.

"Oh hell no! I'ma let you get away with that one but you better watch out," she screamed, "And you're trippin' because you need to thank me for getting you out of there! You forget I was homeless too and you don't see me crying about it. If you had stayed with them you know what you'd be now? A closeted racist virgin who can't drive."

Divann gasped, "Way harsh, Tilly, but you're right too. Man, you and Xylark are so smart." Eww, he did not just compare my intelligence with Tilly's.

"I'm sorry, Divann, really. But you know you would've done the same thing in my situation," she reached out to give him a hug.

"I'm sorry, too, girl," he snapped his finger and embraced her, giving her a little kiss on the cheek. Suddenly he was on top of her and they were naked.

"Rianna, Lopunny, Carnivine! Come quick!" I screamed. They looked up from the water, saw what was happening and rushed right over. Rianna sat on my head as we watched Divann squiggle around on top of Tilly's mahogany body; after a minute or so it was over. We all started cheering and taking pictures. I was so glad we were all friends again but I couldn't help feeling a little jealous all of a sudden. For some reason Divann had become like a million times hotter to me. Tilly, however, I was starting to loathe. What a bitch she was.

"All right, gang," I screamed at Tilly in her face, "Let's get to that island and get my last badge!"

"Yeah!" we all screamed and jumped into the air, flapping our wings and giggling with anticipation.


	33. A Dark Reunion

After the show Divann and Tilly had put on, all our Pokémon wanted some private time in their Pokéballs except Rianna who liked people to watch. Lopunny and Carnivine winked to each other before hopping in their respective homes to do their business.

"Well maybe we'll be able to find a boat more easily without them slowing us down," I joked but Divann and Tilly were licking their lips at each other pornographically and not even paying attention to me. Rude.

We searched the docks for a ferry to cross the lake and finally found an ugly old man who looked and smelled like a rotten fish. I seized the opportunity to make Divann jealous just like he had done with Tilly, who was currently rubbing his face with her hair salaciously, moaning.

"Hi, you're a sexy seaman," I purred as I did a twirl, pushing out my bottom in an erotic manner. I looked over expecting to see Divann crying but Tilly's boobs were now completely out of her shirt, flopping around in the wind. Divann hadn't even heard me.

"Well, thank you, young man. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen," the old gross sea captain growled.

"Eww, stop," I protested, "I was lying; you're ugly. Can you just take us to the island, please."

"Sure, sonny. That'll be five Pokédollars per person," he grumbled, coughing up a wad of mucus into his hand. I groaned and paid everyone's fare since I was rich and they were homeless orphans. We boarded the ferry but something didn't feel right as I watched the old man fly up to take the wheel.

"Hey, Rianna?" I asked.

"Yeah?" she responded fergaliciously.

"People don't usually fly, right?" I queried.

"I don't think so," she gasped as two green leaves burst from the foul captain's head. Immediately I recognized something wasn't right. I called to Tilly and Divann but they were busy rubbing their breasts together, completely oblivious to the school of Sharpedo beginning to circle the boat.

"Rianna, quick! Use Holy Bomb on them!" I screamed but when I turned around, Rianna was fast asleep. How could she take a nap at a time like this? Before I could even finish my thought I noticed the captain's clothes lying in a pile on the ground. Suddenly I heard a giggle coming from behind me.

"You!" I screamed, pointing to flying pink Hoppip in the sky.

"That's right!" she screamed, "I'm back!" She flitted around annoyingly as usual before snatching up Tilly and Divann as they were still flipping their bits around.

"Whoa!" Tilly screamed, "What's going on?"

"Hoppip?" Divann shouted in disbelief.

"That's right, asshole. Did you miss me?" Hoppip sniggered, taking them high into the sky above the Sharpedo.

"No! Quick, Carnivine!" Divann commanded, "Use Hyper Beam!"

Hoppip laughed so hard she peed a little, the wet stream cascading quietly but confidently down into the raging water below, making the Sharpedo that much more rabid.

"You idiot!" Tilly cried, "They're in their Pokéballs, remember?"

"Shit!" he screamed in reply.

"You're going to pay for abandoning me," Hoppip cackled.

"What about Xylark?" Tilly pleaded, "He abandoned you too!" Wow I couldn't believe she was trying to throw me under the bus after I had been putting up with her mess this whole time.

"He's getting punished, too. Don't worry," the floating pink puff sneered.

"Put them back!" I commanded, trying to shake Rianna awake. I noticed pink spores covering her body.

"OK," Hoppip agreed, "But only one."

"No!" Divann squealed.

Hoppip cackled sensually, "Yes, Divann. And the other goes to the sharks. So who's it going to be, Xylark? Your choice."

"Divann," I answered.

"What!" Tilly cried out annoyingly, clearly trying to interrupt my turn to speak.

"Wait, what?" Hoppip asked, confused, "Don't you want to think about it a little bit first?"

"No, I choose Divann," I answered again.

"Oh, well if that's what you want."

"It is," I nodded and Hoppip released his grasp on Tilly.

As her body fell toward the carnivorous beasts below she began to cry. What a wimp. She screamed, "I forgive you!" to me but suddenly a huge Sharpedo jumped from the water, forcing his jaws closed around her. As her torso ripped, exposing all her inside bits, her Pokéball opened and Lopunny was launched into the fray as well.

"Lopunny!" she cried as a Sharpedo bit off her leg. She flailed in the water for a second before being pulled under. All that was left of her and Tilly were pools of red in the wake. Back in Jigglypuff Bluff, Golett suddenly felt at peace, his spirit finally leaving the world forever.

Hoppip set Divann down on the boat and started laughing, but Divann had finally had enough.

"I've had enough!" he screamed, tearing the leaves out from Hoppip's head.

"Ouchies!" Hoppip cried masculinely as Divann tossed her into the waiting mouth of a Sharpedo. He immediately fell to his knees and began to cry.

"You're such a drama queen, Divann," I comforted, "Do you want a hug or something?"

He nodded and reached out his arms, sobbing. Mucus hung from his nose but I closed my eyes and pretended like it wasn't there as I returned his embrace.

"Thank you for choosing me, Xylark," he weeped, "I love you."

"Aww, ok," I said caringly.

"Wait a minute," Rianna said after finally waking up, "If Hoppip was the captain, then who's driving the boat?"

We all had a good laugh as I got up to steer the boat to our final destination: Twink Island.


	34. Oppai and the Puffy Badge

"We're here!" I announced as I parked the boat and jumped off, "Twink Island!"

"It's magical!" Divann squealed, gazing out upon the pink and purple sparkly village. Twink Island was small but famous due to the fact it was the only place in the whole region to have Asian people. Tourists from all over Seksi came just to see its famous yellow population and to eat their wacky foods.

"Rianna!" Rianna said racistly. I slapped her immediately.

"Don't say that, Rianna! They have excellent hearing," I warned, fearing a violent outcry from the natives.

"I want to try some Asian food!" Divann shouted and immediately workers in aprons came up with free samples, begging us to try them. The crowd became unruly as we pushed past them but since we could see clean over all their heads we eventually made it to our destination.

Twink Island gym was simply breathtaking. Sparkly purple and shaped like a traditional egg roll, it practically reeked of cultural pride.

"Tilly would've loved this," Divann mourned and started to sob bisexually. Not this shit again.

"Look, can you forget about her already? It's been so long since she died. I think she would've wanted you to have moved on by now," I ejected sensitively. "Plus, this isn't about her. It's about me like it always has been." Divann nodded, realizing I was right yet again.

We entered the gym to find a spritely Japanese girl taking photos of a small white kitten with giant, black eyes and a pink, silken hat.

"Oh, kitty-chan! You are so kawaii ^.^ !" she shrieked in a pitch so high my water broke. How she managed to say an emoticon was beyond me but I had prepared myself for anything this culture might throw at me. When I was in university I took an Asian Studies course and the professor told me I was probably even smarter than the Chinese. Now that knowledge was going to pay off.

"Konichiwa," I said confidently to the girl in the insanely mismatched wardrobe.

"Oh konichiwa, Xylark-chan! So kawaii to see you! I'm Oppai! " she cheered, her twenty neon hair ribbons swaying haphazardly in keeping with her erratic head motions and choreographed dancing. When she finally stopped, she smiled insanely and rested her head on her fists as though they were some kind of pedestal.

"Um, we're here to battle," I continued.

"Nani?" she questioned, confused by my speech.

"I mean, we're here to battle-chan," I revised.

"Kawaii! In that case, go Dragonair-chan!" she squeaked, throwing a glittery Pokéball into the arena. A smooth, purple Dragonair burst out with a pink bow on its head, ready for action.

"Wow, she's pretty annoying," Divann said intolerantly.

I gasped, "Cultural sensitivity, Divann. Learn it."

Rianna jumped up and hit the bow from Dragonair's head and started charging her next attack. Dragonair, however, immediately started to cry and refused to battle Rianna, stating that she wasn't kawaii enough. Rianna rolled her eyes so sassily she suffered temporary hearing loss.

"You have a mean kitty, Xylark-san," Oppai scolded, "But I know how to take care of mean kitties. Go, Altaria!"

"Rianna," I screamed, "Quick, blow slightly chilled air onto her!" She nodded and opened the freezer door, fanning the cold air toward Altaria.

"Altaria-chan!" Altaria screamed and died.

"Why do I keep a freezer full of ice around?" Oppai whined, "No matter, though. Now for my secret weapons: Latios and Latias!"

The eon duo flew down from the top of the eggroll and positioned themselves on opposite sides of Rianna.

"Use Calm Mind, both of you!" Oppai called, "Then use Dragon Pulse!" The twins quickly started circling my Rianna, spinning faster and faster, their brains getting bigger and bigger until suddenly they stopped and spit a huge blue ball of dragon gunk at her face.

"No, Rianna!" I screamed, "Use Teleport!"

She turned to me and nodded erotically, disappearing instantly from the arena. The two Dragon Pulses went through each other and hit the opposite members of the duo, exploding them on contact.

"Lati s!" they cried, mysteriously able to say an ampersat.

"Good job, Rianna!" I cried and we gave each other high fives with our tails.

"Wow-chan," Oppai gushed, "You guys are so kawaii together I just have to give you this badge!"

I sassed, "Yeah and also because we beat you."

"Teehee," she moaned, "Here's your Puffy Badge! Gasp! That means you have all eight badges! Will you go challenge the Elite Four now?"

"Duh," I answered politely and left without saying goodbye.

"That was a great battle, Xylark," Divann squirted, "But I'm feeling pretty worn out from all the recent deaths and all. Do you think we could find a place here to spend the night before we head out?"

I couldn't believe he was still going on about the deaths after everything that had happened since then. I mean I had just gotten the final badge for god's sake! He was so negative, ugh, but I knew he wouldn't stop complaining until I complied so we found a sushi-shaped hotel near the docks.

"All we have left is a room with one bed," the receptionist chonged, "Is that OK?"

"Sure," I said and winked suggestively, "He can sleep on the floor. Get the bags, Divann."

I grabbed the key and ran down to the room hoping for a sweet mini-bar and Jacuzzi bathtub. I had to make sure I was super drunk for what lay ahead.


	35. Victory Road is the Worst

I awoke with a hangover to find Divann still asleep next to me, drooling vigorously onto his pillow. Now that the alcohol had worn off it all that saliva was definitely a turn off.

"Ugh," I sighed, "Rianna, hand me my clothes. I'm going to take a shower."

After I had washed off the assorted mess from the night before and gotten dressed, I came out of the bathroom to find Divann waiting anxiously, having prepared breakfast for me.

"I brought you tea, honey," he said gayishly. Oh god, he was in love with me. I should've known this would happen; it always does. It was sometimes like a curse to be so blessed.

"I've lost my appetite," I said politely, "Now get dressed. We have a long day ahead of us."

"Victory Road, sir?" he questioned.

"Victory Road indeed," I replied solemnly. I hated Victory Road. So many Pokémon everywhere and rocks and darkness and hardly any sort of club scene meant I was looking at a day without much fabulosity.

"Rianna!" Rianna added optimistically but I just shook my head with embarrassment for her.

We left the hotel and hired a wonton-shaped helicopter to take us to the entrance of the cavern.

"Sank you," the seemingly jaundiced pilot replied to my generous tip.

"What'd he say?" Divann asked insensitively. He was so rude to other cultures and accents, wow.

"Let's just get this stupid cave over with," I said sexily as we headed into the darkness. I noticed Divann immediately start shaking out of fear like usual but since I'm nice I held his hand so he'd stop being a little pussy.

We trudged deeper into the cave which turned out to have even less of a nightlife than I had previously thought. I didn't see one dance club or bar the entire time we were in there. No wonder everyone hated this place.

"What's in there?" Carnivine asked, pointing his vine to a tunnel that had flashing pink sparkly lights coming out of it.

"Oh, maybe it's a party!" Divann suggested excitedly, but I had my doubts. Rianna seemed entranced by the lights for some reason but I thought maybe she was just high. She ran off into the tunnel, leaving us all behind.

"Wait, girl!" I screamed and we followed after her. The lights were blinding but eventually we came to a huge open cavern. A single figure stood in the center with Rianna perched on his head.

"Eww, you're ugly," I pointed out to the stranger. He was pale and didn't have any hair and had weird tube things coming out of his neck and connecting to his back. His tail was purple though which I liked because my favorite color was purple.

"Who are you?" Divann squirted curiously.

"I am Mewtwo," Mewtwo said, "And I'm here to stop you."

"Stop us? Why? Give me back Rianna!" I commanded. Upon hearing me call her name, the power of my love awoke her from her trance. She glided over to me and sat on my face, purring contently.

"You seem to have a connection. This is worse than I thought," Mewtwo neighed.

"All right, what's the deal, 'two? What's this about?" I shouted.

"The Yellow Diamonds, of course." he answered smugly without continuing or clarifying, causing us to have to ask another question, which was annoying because he definitely knew that we wanted a clearer answer than that.

"Ugh, go on?" I sassed.

"I can't let you have the last one. I'm ending this now!" he screamed.

"What are you talking about? Why!" I yelled impatiently. If he gave me one more short answer I was going to poop everywhere.

"It's too dangerous; Rianna was never meant to use the Yellow Diamonds. She wasn't even meant to be here at all," he continued.

"Rianna!" Rianna asked angrily.

"You see, Arceus created you, Rianna. After he had finished making the world and setting the stage for all Pokémon to become what they are today, he got bored. He realized that no Pokémon matched him in power so he wanted to see if he could create a single creature that would threaten even God. Thus, you came to be."

"Wow, that's pretty cool, Rianna!" I winked and we did our secret high five that we had choreographed earlier. I was afraid we wouldn't get the chance to use it for a while so I was very pleased.

"No, not cool. Along with Rianna, Arceus created the Yellow Diamond that had the ability to transform her into four creatures, each with a different power greater than Arceus himself. Rianna become unruly, a menace to the very fabric of the universe Arceus has formed. He had no choice. He broke the Yellow Diamond into four bits and hid them in a small museum outside Minaj Town. Until they were stolen, that is."

"Oh, my god!" Divann screamed, "We were totally at that museum! Weird! Do you know who stole them?"

"I did," Mewtwo answered, "I had been informed Rianna had escaped the confines of the Pokéball that Arceus had entrusted with Professor Pines, so I knew I had to act fast. I hid them all across the region."

Suddenly he began reciting a poem telepathically:

_One in the darkest cave of the mountain  
One in the deepest end of the pool  
One with the strangest fish in the river  
And one with me to stop the fool_

"Wow, that was a really gay poem," I scoffed, "Were you serious with that? That was the worst, oh my god."

"So you have the last Yellow Diamond?" Divann asked, confused because he didn't understand the complexity of poetry like I did.

"Obviously," I answered, shaking my head at how dense he was, "And now we're going to take it!"

"You understand why I must stop you at all costs, then?" Mewtwo asked, taking a battle stance.

"Go, Rianna!" I screamed, "Use AncientAngelPower!"

She nodded and floated off the cavern floor, glowing. Thousands of sparkly angelic apparitions began to float around her, raising all her stats to their maximum level.

"Hi-ya!" Mewtwo shouted karately as he threw a sphere of psychic energy at her, but it simply bounced off and exploded in Mewtwo's face. "But how?" he whimpered.

"Now, Rianna! Use Seraphorce!" I screamed as Rianna sprouted two more pairs of wings and launched into Mewtwo's frail body, crushing him on impact.

"No!" he screamed as he bled both internally and externally, his bones now mere dust. "Don't do it, Xylark. Don't use the last Yellow Diamond," he said with his final breath.

"Eww, whatever," I responded maturely, "You're not my mom; you don't control me."

I noticed a sparkle of yellow poking out through his eye socket. I reached in and pulled out the Yellow Diamond.

"We did it, Rianna!" I cheered, "We have them all!"

"Yay!" she said super enthusiastically. I was so thrilled I even gave Divann a hug. We partied our way out of the cave to find a huge sparkly building standing before us.

"There it is, Carnivine," I said, addressing Carnivine because I felt like I left him out of a lot of things. We all stared in amazement wondering what kind of tough trainers awaited us inside.


	36. Seksi Butte and the Elite Four: Part I

"Hello, and welcome to Seksi Butte," the receptionist greeted, "How may I help you?"

"Yes, hello, I'm here to challenge the Elite Four!" I screamed and got up in her face to show her how serious I was.

"Oh, my!" she responded, rubbing herself in excitement, "I can see you're a very powerful and attractive trainer! I'm sure you'll have no trouble becoming the new league champion. I just need you to register you and your Pokémon here with us."

"All right," I purred, signing my and Rianna's names down on the registration form. "Wait, what's this?" I asked and pretended to find something behind the girl's ear.

"What?" she asked in amazement as I produced a rose and handed it to her between my teeth in a seductive Spanish manner. I noticed Divann starting to weep softly behind me. "Oh my," she continued, "Usually there's a fee for participation but for you it's free!"

"Thanks, doll," I moaned tenderly, "Now where can I start my challenge?"

"Over there," she replied, pointing to a giant pink sparkly door with purple handles in the back of the lobby, "I'll be rooting for you."

"All right, Divann," I ordered, "Let's go!"

"Yay!" he replied and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. He was such a good boyfriend like that. As we approached the intimidating door, a guard stopped us to check for our badges.

"Let's see, sir. You have the Flaming, Flappy, Fisting, Splashy, Blacky, Icky, Boo, and Puffy badges! That's all of them!" the guard shouted in excitement, "Go on in!" Divann and I looked at each other and smiled as we went through the doors. There was no turning back now.

We entered the first arena and suddenly the whole room lit up with paneled lights on the walls in different colors, pulsating epileptically. The floor was painted to look like a map of the globe, a trapdoor open over the area representing Puerto Rico. A bald man arose in a white suit and sunglasses suddenly arose from its depths.

"Mr. Worldwide!" he screamed obnoxiously, "Welcome to the 305! Dále!"

"Oh no, it's Pitbull!" I shrieked, watching him gesture ridiculously, thinking he could dance.

"Dále!" he screamed again and suddenly hundreds of women in bikinis burst out through the lights, shaking their floppy parts pornographically.

"What's going on?" Divann asked, clearly unfamiliar with the idiot we were facing.

"Ugh, can we just start already?" I begged, hoping to end Pitbull's horrible rapping for the time being.

"Mr. Worldwide!" he repeated and I assumed that meant yes because he threw out a Pokéball from which a Bouffalant burst.

"305," Bouffalant roared, preparing to charge.

"Rianna, use Bulk Up to tank the attack!" I burped. She nodded her face and immediately started doing push-ups, gaining twice as many Attack and Defense boosts as a normal Pokémon would from using the same move. Bouffalant rammed Rianna with his afro, knocking her down into the ground, nearly killing her.

"Rianna!" she cried in pain, but then just began to giggle as the recoil from the attack lowered Bouffalant's health down to just one. She bolted up, used Synthesis to fully heal herself and delivered the final blow required to kill the ethnic bull.

"Dále!" Pitbull screamed in anger, recalling Bouffalant and sending his next Pokémon: a Braviary painted in the colors of the Puerto Rican flag.

"Boricua!" he cawed as he swooped toward Rianna.

"Quick, get out of the way!" I cried and she did that and Braviary crashed into the ground. His skull exploded on impact, ejecting his brains all over a group of Pitbull's bikini-clad bimbos.

"Eek!" they screamed but immediately continued the rhythmic booty-shaking.

"Mr. Worldwide," Pitbull sneered at me, jealous that I was doing so well. Clearly insecure with his own battling abilities, he threw out two Pokéballs this time, revealing a Bibarel and a Meloetta.

Before it could do anything, however, Bibarel died from being stupid, leaving only Meloetta to face my fearsome baby Rianna.

"Ha," I laughed, pointing to Meloetta, "Your hair is green and looks like barf."

"Meloetta!" Meloetta screamed, insulted by my witty observation. Suddenly she started singing angrily and Rianna fell asleep but not because of a secondary effect of the move but because the song was pretty boring. In this moment Meloetta changed from a green-haired pop star into a redheaded dancer and took a fighting stance.

"Rianna, wake up!" I commanded, "I know the song was awful but she changed formes! Hurry!"

Rianna reluctantly stood up but was greeted by a Shadow Claw to the face. Blood started squirting out everywhere.

"No!" I screamed as I watched the life drain from my best friend's body. Meloetta had hit an artery and it was only a matter of seconds before Rianna was dead.

"305," Pitbull said victoriously, but I wasn't giving up yet.

"Quick, Divann," I yelled, "Give me a Max Revive!"

"Is that legal, Xylark?" he questioned stupidly.

"Of course it is; I'm the main character!" I screamed, snatching the medicine from his hand and rubbing it all over Rianna lustfully.

"Rianna!" she screamed as the life was returned to her perfect body.

"Now!" I ordered gracefully, pointing to the ugly humanoid and his Meloetta.

Rianna sprang up and took the form of a bird, a brave bird, and dived down into the singing Pokémon's fragile skull, ripping her in half, pulling out her intestines and dragging them along as she flew around the room, celebrating our win.

"Dále," Pitbull said, crying over the broken bodies of his partners. He simply pointed to the next room. I couldn't wait to see what was beyond that door.


	37. Seksi Butte and the Elite Four: Part II

"Excellent!" a man in a pink beret shouted, "A third has arrived!"

Standing on the opposite side of the room were the other three members of the Elite Four. I recognized the man in the flamboyant headwear as none other than Bonbon the Frenchman, master of Psychic types. To his left was an Eskimo woman in a stereotypical fur-lined jacket holding a spear with a fish flopping at the end of it. She was none other than Nana, master of Ice types. To Bonbon's left was an unusually tiny leprechaun named Weenus, master of Bug types. They stood, staring menacingly but I wasn't afraid of anything, especially foreigners.

"What did you mean by third?" I asked, "There are already three of you here."

"You're the third of them," Nana answered, pointing to two trainers by the door.

"We're doing a triple battle to see who will advance to the champion," one of the trainers, an overweight girl named Fatima, explained, "First the three of us battle against the three of them and then we battle each other free-for-all."

"All right, sure!" I said, excited, "Let's do it! Go, Rianna!"

"Go, Wailord!" Fatima garbled, "Use Rest!" I could tell she wasn't going to be any help in this situation.

The third trainer, a boy named Tim whose appearance was as plain as his name, cried out, "Go, Spiritomb!" The vomit-looking ghost popped out of his ball and sat glaring at his opponents. Bonbon, Nana, and Weenus sent out Deoxys, Kyurem, and Genesect, respectively. The battle had officially begun.

Deoxys disappeared instantly and reappeared in front of Rianna, inches from her face.

"Ahh! WTF!" she screamed, startled by its weird face and spaghetti arms.

"Come on!" I commanded, "He's fast but frail; just use Quick Attack a few times!"

"Right!" Rianna agreed but the mere mention of an attack caused the opposing Deoxys to have a heart attack and crumble to the ground incapacitated.

"Merde!" Bonbon cursed and left the arena. One down, two to go. I glanced at my partners and saw they could use some serious help. Fatima's Wailord was getting pounded by Weenus' Genesect as she kept ordering him to use Sleep Talk despite Rest having failed in the beginning. Rianna and I shook our heads in disgust. I was confused as to how she had gotten this far until I remembered the Pitbull debacle.

"Just go use Ember or something," I sighed to my sexy kitty, "That should do it."

Rianna pounced toward Genesect and let out a tiny wisp of smoke that instantly burned the bug abomination like a ginger in partial sunlight.

"Fiddlesticks!" Weenus peeped and vanished instantly.

"Thanks, Xylark," Fatima cooed, rubbing her breasts together and pointing them at me seductively. I noticed Divann starting to cry in the background. I had almost forgotten he was even here.

"One more left!" I cheered to Rianna, who instantly turned her attention to the menacing Kyurem who was shockingly losing against Tim's Spiritomb. Maybe he wasn't such a bad trainer after all.

"Good job, buddy!" he yelled, "Just one last Shadow Ball and it'll be knocked out for sure!"

Before he could act, though, Rianna swooped in and performed a powerful Close Combat, shattering both of Kyurem's wings and half of its skull. The paramedics rushed in but by the time they had loaded it onto the stretcher they said it was too late.

"And you wanted to knock it out," I scoffed to Tim. What an idiot.

"Popo!" Nana screamed in anguish to her Kyurem. She climbed out of the arena and jumped off the roof, never to be seen again.

"Well I guess it's just the three of us now!" I shouted, pitting Rianna against the Spiritomb and Wailord.

"Use Bubble," Fatima commanded. Wailord burped out a bubble then passed out from exhaustion. Rianna simply walked up and shocked him with her taser until his skin began to sizzle. Fatima was out.

"No!" Fatima farted and sadly walked away. Divann started cheering from behind me.

"You can do it, Xylark! I love you!" he called.

"Aww, that's good," I said, forcing a smile. This was no time to think about unimportant things like Divann. For once it was all about me.

"Use Dark Pulse!" Tim ordered, "I believe in you, Spiritomb!"

"Lol, that's gay," I laughed. Why was he so gay for his Spiritomb? Unfortunately, despite their gayness, the move was super-effective on Rianna and caused her to flinch. Who would've thought that it would come down to this: Rianna's only weakness is Dark and Spiritomb's only weakness is Angel. Good versus Evil just like in the Bible, and guess whose side God was on.

"Rianna, use Divine Wrath!" I commanded, but she looked worried. I had only ever heard of this move in fairy tales, but it was fabled to have the power to kill any Pokémon or person in one hit.

The ceiling burst off the arena as the sky darkened, raining fire and blood down into the battle.

"Take cover!" I screamed as Divann and I hid under a picnic table that was in the room for some reason. As we hugged I felt him getting an erection but I pretended not to notice because it sickened me. Why did he have to do this now?

Once the demon rain finished, the sky cracked and a blinding white beam shot down toward Spiritomb and Tim. When the beam disappeared there was no trace of either of them.

"Wow, Rianna!" I said, running up to her to give her a hug, "You're the best Pokémon in the world."

She nodded and said I was the best trainer in the world. I knew she was right.

"Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do," I winked to Divann as we headed into the Champion's chamber. I was ready to finally become the master of the Seksi region.


	38. A Champion's Betrayal

I couldn't believe I was finally going to face the champion and officially become the greatest trainer in the Seksi region and potentially in the world. It was my moment for once and no one could take that away from me.

"Hey, where is he?" I asked, glancing around the empty arena. Suddenly Divann walked past me and stood with Carnivine at the other end of room.

"I'm right here," he answered seductively.

"No!" I screamed in disbelief, "You're the champion? How? You're terrible at battling!"

"I'm actually not; I just didn't want to blow my cover around you since you're so smart. You would've figured it out immediately otherwise, right?" he confessed.

"Yeah, you're right. I am really clever like that," I conceded, "But when did you become champion? You said you've been homeless your whole life."

"Well, that part was only partially true. My earliest memory is being in a foster home but I never felt connected to that family. Since I had been told my parents were dead I decided to just try to make it on my own. For about a year I lived on the streets, begging, until I met Golett," he explained.

"But then what happened?" I asked in order to break up the block of text.

"I realized I could communicate telepathically with him. He told me that the only way I could be successful since I wasn't attractive, smart, or rich was to become a Pokémon trainer and eventually become the champion, so I did."

"So why were you even in the forest when we met?" I asked suspiciously.

"To be honest everyone here at Seksi Butte had been talking about this new trainer that was supposed to be the chosen one, the best the world had ever seen. That was you, Xylark. I wanted to study you, if you will, so I waited in the forest knowing you'd probably come by to train," he admitted.

"So all this has been a lie?" I started to get angry. Ain't nobody play me like that. Ain't nobody.

"At first, yes, but eventually I fell in love with you," he said clichély.

"Oh, my god, you are so pathetic!" I laughed, unable to believe he had really just tried to pull that line on me as though I hadn't seen every 90's teen movie ever.

"It doesn't matter Xylark, because now you're going to see how I really battle. Get ready, Carnivine!" he screamed.

"And you, Rianna, don't hold back!" I commanded. I wasn't going to lose now, not to this whiny bitch.

"Use Sleep Powder!" Divann ordered and Carnivine started shaking his vines, shooting a pink, sparkly dust into the air above Rianna's face.

"Hold your breath!" I screamed, but some of it got in her eye and she was like ouch and then she fell asleep. This wasn't good at all.

"Now use Swords Dance while she's down, Carnivine!" he shouted, adding, "C'mon, Xylark, you're making this too easy."

"Use Sleep Talk, Rianna!" I barked. She sprang up, still sleeping, and fired a huge Angel Beam at Carnivine, interrupting his Swords Dance.

"Counter now with Payback!" Divann blurted. A dark aura appeared around Carnivine's head, turned into an arrow and launched at Rianna, piercing her ear.

"No!" I screamed, "Get up now!"

Rianna finally woke up, bleeding profusely from the wound. I knew she was down to low health but I had a plan.

"Endeavor, Rianna!" I ejected, jumping into the air erotically. She started sweating profusely and shaking, taunting the Carnivine to come closer. As soon as he reached her body, though, she snatched his face, bringing his health down to match hers. He was finally in range of being knocked out.

"Nice move, Xylark, but I've been planning for this moment quite some time," Divann winked and pulled something out of his bag.

"What's that?" I asked, confused for the first time in my life.

"It's my own form of the Yellow Diamond I've been developing since discovering the first in Margarita Mountain. I was inspired by seeing Rianna's power after her exposure to it, so I knew I had to have one of my own. I call it the Divann Diamond."

"Wow, conceited much?" I judged, but really now I was thinking about changing the name of the Yellow Diamonds to the Xylark Diamonds. It sounded nicer, I thought. Honestly, Divann Diamond just sounded cheap and inexpensive.

He beckoned over Carnivine and started caressing his body with the purple Divann Diamond, rubbing it all down his vines and even in his mouth under the tongue. It was pretty sensual and I started to get kind of into it but suddenly Carnivine's eyes turned a deep crimson and he started to grow.

"Uh oh!" Rianna screamed as the ground began to shake. Carnivine's tentacles grew longer and veinier and his head sprouted devil's horns. From his back grew wings that were darker than anything I had ever seen before. They weren't just black; they were emptiness. Long blonde hair suddenly burst out of his scalp and his gender instantly changed to female.

She dropped her jaw to the ground, roaring loudly, "Muddonha."

Divann laughed insanely, "Now it's over, Xylark. I loved you but I've shed too many tears over you. Never again!"

"What're we going to do, Rianna?" I asked, worried, but suddenly I remembered I had the last Yellow Diamond. Mewtwo warned me that this if I used it Rianna might destroy the world, but at the same time I knew if I didn't use it I would lose this one particular battle. I had to decide what was more important: the universe or me?

I took a deep breath and realized what had to be done.


	39. A Hero's Decision

"Come here, Rianna!" I yelled to my friend, fully aware of the potential ramifications of my actions. I just had to think about myself instead of others for once in my life, you know?

I unearthed the final Yellow Diamond from my Gucci bag and began to gently yet unabashedly fondle Rianna with it.

"What are you doing?" Divann screamed, "Are you crazy?"

"If by crazy you mean brilliant, then yes, I am crazy," I winked and blew a kiss.

"No, I meant literally crazy. Didn't you hear what Mewtwo said?" he asked, completely undermining my intelligence. I knew this was for the best.

Rianna started purring louder and more erratically, her moans fluctuating between beautiful vocals and strange cries for attention. Her fur shed from her left side, revealing obsidian skin that pulsated to an unheard rhythm. Human hair began to grow in the shape of a bow from her scalp: first blonde, then pink, and then finally green. Her wings grew iridescent and her fur turned golden, appearing to be lit from within. She stood on her hind legs, grabbed a microphone and spoke her name thusly, "λ[a/d(ga^2)]."

"Whoa!" I said, astonished at her striking similarity to the real Lady Gaga and also her seemingly irrelevant ability to speak in mathematics. I had never imagined that her final forme would be so beautiful. She was the pinnacle of high fashion, a true Angel/Dark-type dark angel.

"Well if it's a fair fight you wanted, you've got it," Divann acquiesced as the two titans faced off.

"Muddonha," Muddonha sang, staring directly into λ[a/d(ga^2)]'s sultry rose-colored eyes.

"All right, let's get this started!" I cried, "Use Heavenly Rush!"

λ[a/d(ga^2)] crashed through the ceiling, raining debris down onto Muddonha's head. She flew up into the night sky until she was invisible save her luminous wings catching the starlight. With a deafening bang she shuttled back toward Earth like a missile.

"Grab her, now!" Divann instructed as Muddonha snapped her vines like lightning around λ[a/d(ga^2)]'s neck. She gained control of the angel's descent and began to spin her around like a sausage being spun around your head in a circle but instead of a sausage it was an angel.

"λ[a/d(ga^2)]!" she cried despite her ability to do so making no sense, "λ[a/d(ga^2)]!"

"Hang in there, uhh, L(a•d)/G(a)^2?" I attempted to cheer her name futilely, "Use Will-o-wisp to burn the vine!"

Somehow through all the spinning she managed to expel a ghostly flame that immediately ignited Muddonha's tendril.

"Muddonha!" she screamed in agony as the blaze spread to her face, searing off her lower jaw completely.

"No!" Divann screamed, "I can't lose now after all this preparation! Use Punishment!"

I gasped, "Dodge it, quick! It'll kill you if it hits!" She seemed to not even be listening to me anymore as she stood her ground, preparing to tank the attack. As the dark wave struck her, she maintained her position, not even batting one of her perfectly long and luscious eyelashes. As soon as the attack was over she began to glow.

"Shit! It's Bide!" Divann screamed to Muddonha, knowing what was going to happen next, but it was too late. λ[a/d(ga^2)] unleashed all the damage taken from the Punishment and fired it back at the jungle plant demon. As soon as it made contact with her frail skin, a thunderous rip boomed and Muddonha split in two. What was left of her mangled body fell to the floor lifelessly.

"We did it!" I screamed to λ[a/d(ga^2)], "I beat you, Divann! Now I'm the champion!"

He sighed, "I should've known you would win since you're such an amazing trainer and also very attractive. It's true you are the champion, but at what cost, Xylark?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, "Does it look like she's going to destroy the universe?" I pointed to λ[a/d(ga^2)] who was now booty dancing on top of Muddonha's dead body.

"Umm, yes?" he answered stupidly. There was no way my baby Rianna would hurt anybody except the people and Pokémon we didn't like.

"I'll prove it to you," I sassed and called λ[a/d(ga^2)] over to me, but she didn't obey. I started to get impatient, screaming, "Come on, I'm not going to ask you again. It's time you turn back into Rianna."

"I am Rianna," she said unexpectedly, "And I am Furrghi, Quèxia, Bi-yan Sei, and λ[a/d(ga^2)]."

"What are you doing, Rianna?" I asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you see, Xylark. I have complete power now. You heard Mewtwo: I'm stronger than Arceus himself, and you gave me that strength when you used the last Yellow Diamond," she explained, roaring each word instead of speaking, "I won't forget what you've done for me, Xylark, but I can't go back. I guess all I can say to you now is, 'Sorry.'"

With her final word the four Yellow Diamonds burst from my bag and flew in front of λ[a/d(ga^2)]. They spun around her body until they fused into one glowing gem that she immediately consumed. She howled with power, changing formes at will until she settled on Rianna.

"It starts," she screamed as she ripped through Divann like a dagger through silk. He didn't even know what hit him. She gave me one last wink before charging at me with the same strength. As my consciousness faded I finally realized the hell I had unleashed on the world.

In that final moment I felt as powerful as Rianna.


	40. Epilogue

**One year later…**

The television turned on, partially illuminating the dank room. One of the antennae had fallen, though, so the picture was mostly static. A woman on the screen started reporting:

"It's been one year since the day Arceus died, the day that would go down in history as the beginning of the end of times. Since then much has changed but those who have managed to survive this long still have many unanswered questions. We're here today in Xylark Town where the eponymous villain has lived in hiding until today. He has agreed to speak with us and I hope he will provide us with some long-awaited answers."

The camera zoomed out to reveal the reporter was standing next a teenage boy whose dark eyes and frail posture told a story of insomnia and malnutrition. He gazed unwaveringly into the camera and smiled.

"Xylark, thank you for meeting with me today," the reporter began.

"You're welcome," the boy said bluntly.

"So, how do you feel about being indirectly responsible for what a lot of people believe to be the apocalypse, the collapse of all modern civilization?"

"I'm not, though. This isn't the end of times at all," he replied, finally looking at his interviewer.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Rianna knows what she's doing. She always has."

"Yes, that was the next question I had for you: why is Rianna doing this?" she asked, whispering the Pokémon's name.

"For the same reason you or I would do the same thing. She has the power we all dream of wielding," he answered, noticing her fear, "I didn't mean to start this, but now that it has I'm glad."

She gasped, "So you're admitting to the world now that you're happy for the things that have happened?"

"Yes."

"The extinction of over 450 species of Pokémon? The complete flooding of the Hoenn region? Sinnoh's total drought that has left over half the land in a state of permanent wildfire? You're telling me that you're happy so many thousands of lives have been lost?"

"Sacrifices must be made for a utopia," he responded coldly. His smirk sent chills up the reporter's spine.

"So you think this is utopia? Even you yourself live now in squalor and you're considered to be a monster by people all over the world."

"Yes, but I'll be fine and my family will be fine. We will flourish in this new world," he professed confidently, holding his head high.

"How can you be sure? Now that you've revealed your location you don't think you'll be safe here, do you?" she asked, confused.

"Rianna won't betray me," he answered simply.

"Have you seen her since that day at Seksi Butte? The day you watched your supposed best friend die at her hand," she glared.

"No, I haven't but I'm hoping I will soon," he smiled into the camera, "And while we're on the subject of Divann, I know Rianna wouldn't have done what she did had it not been necessary for us."

"Us? Don't you think she's doing this for herself?"

"Yes, but I will join her."

"What do you mean?" she asked, but a roar suddenly boomed from off screen.

"What's that!" a man screamed somewhere behind the camera.

"There!" the reporter shouted as the lens pointed to a huge figure high in the clouds. Laughter bellowed from the boy as the creature started to dive.

"Go, go!" the cameraman screamed, dropping his equipment to the ground. Another deafening roar sounded as the static returned to the screen.

That was the last anyone ever saw of Xylark.


End file.
